by Bridget N. Watts

Created on: July 29, 2008   Last Updated: March 15, 2009

When I was 17 years old, I fell madly in love with my best friend. This came as quite a shock to me, as I had just started dating boys and the thought of being gay had never seriously crossed my mind. Looking back on it now, I realize there were many signs that I was into girls years before that, but I honestly never took any notice. I guess you could say I was quite naive back then, knowing very little about life and love, and least of all about myself.

All I knew was that all of a sudden I had all these feelings for a girl that I did not want to feel. Actually, I did not mind the feelings so much, but I just did not want to be gay. I had a terribly negative stereotype of lesbians, and I could not think of anything worse than being "one of them". Like any other teenager, I just wanted to fit in and be like everyone else. Unfortunately, that is very hard to do when you are head over heals in love with your best friend. It got to the point where it was all I could think about. With no one to talk to about my feelings, I was slowly going insane.

Then one night I was talking to a mutual friend of ours about secrets and things no one knew about us. I told her there was just one thing I had never told anybody before, and she guessed what it was right away. I could not believe it when she said, "You mean that you are into girls?" No one had ever asked me anything like that before. I did not know how to respond, so instead I asked her why she would make such an assumption. She told me she had wondered, because of the way my best friend and I acted around each other, but she was not really sure. That is when I admitted to her it was true, and that I really liked my friend a lot.

I did not say I was into girls, only that I was into my friend. I honestly believed she was just an exception or perhaps I was too scared to admit to myself that I might really be gay. When I think back to that night, I can still remember quite vividly how I felt. I do not think I have ever been so scared or overwhelmed in my life. It was such a scary thing to admit to someone for the first time that I liked girls, especially because by saying it aloud it became real somehow.

Part of me was relieved that I had finally come out, but the reality of what I had told her was also a little too much for me to take. At least, that is how I felt that night. In the weeks following, we had a lot more conversations about my feelings for our mutual friend. The more we talked about it, the bigger and more real it became, but at the same time it also helped me come to terms with it. After a while I also told some of my other friends, including my best friend who I had the huge crush on. Everyone reacted in such a great and positive manner, which until this day I am very grateful about. Coming out to great friends like that makes the whole experience so much easier.

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