by Michael Frissore

Created on: July 28, 2008

As time progresses we are giving children less and less freedom; yet, we're talking more and more about giving infants more freedom. We won't let our children go out and play anymore because they'll get kidnapped. We keep them close to home and then wonder why they're playing video games all day. And every Halloween we only take wrapped candy because the media has been fear mongering since your parents were kids, for Petes sake.

Yet infants these days get to decide whether they want to be circumcised, and they get to choose whether they're baptized. When a baby's born just hold a photo of Satan in one hand, a chalice full of holy water in the other, show it to baby, and wherever he or she turns, that's the life it will lead. Is that how it's supposed to happen? How did we go from you can't spank your kids anymore to should the child choose whether he's christened?

First I heard about circumcision being the choice of the child. Sure, let him first be laughed at in the locker room after gym class. Then let him decide whether he wants to circumcise himself and what object he's going to use, or whether we wants a career in Italian porn. Then, when he does choose circumcision, he has about three weeks of bed rest ahead of him. Just enough time to lament that he should have gotten this over with right after he was born, but his parents had his personal freedoms in mind.

Now we have children deciding yes or no on a baptism. Holy Christ, to grow up and be so anti-religious that you're pissed that your parents had you christened. You know what? We should have kept you underwater, you ungrateful little bastard. Instead of a full baptism we should have had one fifth of an Andrea Yates party in your honor, you lousy unappreciative half a human being. If a baptism was good enough for Michael Corleone's kid, it's good enough for you. All we wanted to do was try to bring you up right, and because the cool bands and the cool celebrities shun religion, we were jerks for caring. I see, you knew what you wanted when you were a couple of weeks old. We should have been listening.

This will be the next thing: not naming your child. When he or she is old enough to choose a name, then, and only then, will the child have a name. Until then, he or she is just a number. Soon half the girls in every school will be named Hannah Montana; the other half Harry Potter. Who cares about gender? We're kids. We know everything. I suppose the child can also go right out and pick his own crib, stroller and car seat as well. The parents get to decide whether or not to abort the kid, but everything after birth becomes this little miracle's adorable little choice. Wonderful. Good luck to you, son or daughter. Get a job.

You know what? This is a moot point anyway, because if we can hide the fact that you were adopted from you your whole life, we can certainly keep this christening business under our hats. Ignorance is bliss, young genius. Now your mother's gonna kick you for nine months straight like you did her. Then you can go to your room and you'll get fed nothing but holy water until Christmas, which you don't celebrate anyway, because Jesus sucks, right? Great. No presents for you either.

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