by Carol Hicks

Created on: July 27, 2008

As I read more from wives whose husbands have a bitter ex and who have kids, I am at least gratified to know that I am not alone. Actually, I'm appalled to find out just how not alone I really am! What is up with this situation?

Being involved with and then married to someone with a bitter ex-spouse has been such an eye-opening experience. Arguably, the biggest lesson I have learned from it has been that perception is everything in the war between raging ex-spouses. And I have learned that it will be a war even if only one person is interested in waging it. I've also learned that the second spouse will, no doubt, get pulled into the mess regardless of whether he or she participates or tries to steer clear. It doesn't matter. If there is a bitter ex-spouse and that ex is intent on warring - it is on. So get ready. And there is no bootcamp to teach you about the strategies of winning or even staying sane in this battle. It is survival of the fittest in its purest form for everyone involved. There will be bloodshed. There will be full frontal attacks. There will be sneak attacks. Hostages will be taken. Injuries will be sustained. It will be a war in the truest sense.

Now let me apologize right now if I sound negative. I don't like sounding negative or being negative and I'm not trying to be that way now. But my experience and the experiences of so many others in my position have shown me that the reality is that there isn't much positive about dealing with a warring ex-spouse. All you can do as the current spouse is try to keep things as calm as possible by learning not to be reactionary. Being calm is the only way to avoid total annhiliation of yourself, your kids, your stepkids, your spouse and maybe even your extended family. And if that sounds drastic - it is. But it is also true. Everyone who is in any way a part of someone's life who has a bitter ex-spouse (it isn't always women - men can be actively bitter, too) is going to be affected even though you or your spouse may be tempted to feel like it is only you or he who is suffering.

If you and your spouse (and any kids) are involved with a bitter ex-spouse, you should not only try to avoid being reactionary, as a practical matter, you should try go make sure there is a record of anything that happens - especially when it comes to the kids. Try to keep communication open (if possible - in our case it usually is not) and, above all, try to keep clear of lawyers. Nothing is going to improve if everyone is constantly

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