by Carol Natoli

Created on: July 26, 2008   Last Updated: January 26, 2010

Everyone thinks that they can change their spouse, and that is the mistake that many couples make. There is however, a difference between changing and refining! In time, one can make the other a bit sharper, classier, and gently manipulate (and I generally hate to use that word), to do what one wants. Manipulation usually connotes a negative action, but with women, there is a certain amount of mystique and feminine wiles that can subdued a gruff personality; therefore, while one cannot change the personality in itself, through hard work, knowing what makes a husband "tick" and learning each other's body language, can help to alter negative traits, even temporarily. The trick is to grow together, not really change, but grow. I am not referring to growing older, but rather to mature in wants and desires, goals and dreams, and refine them along the path of life.

Sometimes if a husband continues with school through the marriage, and his spouse does not, one might hear that they have grown apart. That is a chance that the couple has to take, but so many are not even cognizant that that can happen. Awareness brings knowledge and sensitivity into the marriage. If they each value the opportunity that the other one has made that has enabled the spouse to return to school, then chance are they will be interested in what the other one has to say. If a wife feels that her husband has become smarter and more diverse, then discussions about what he has learned can cease the secret desire in a husband to "move on". The academic part of what has molded that husband can actually change him with new perceptions of life itself, separate from the individual school courses he has taken. As long as his wife supported him, emotionally, while going to school, and "backed him up" with support, many times things can be worked out; for some, elevating one's self academically can actually be a detriment to a marriage, sad to say.

Often, there are times, when one spouse "marries up", referring to social class. They may grow together and perhaps may be unilaterally similar regarding education, when they have met, which in turn, has brought forth similarities in goals and experiences. Do not forget, however, that the one that marries up, may not feel that he or she has, because at the time of their first meeting, they felt as if they were both the same. It often is not noticed until they are dealing with each other's in-laws, reminding the one who the spouse married up to that the other's

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