by Candy Jules

Created on: July 25, 2008   Last Updated: January 30, 2011

I pause to look back on my life and I live with everyday regrets. I threw away more years than I have left to live. How sad it is when I think of what I gave up, or never found because of the choices I made in my life.

I can never go back and change one thing. I was given one life to live, and now as I enter the autumn years of my life, I have to ask myself why? Why did I make the choices that I did? I had a good life as a child. I was loved. I was taught everything I needed to know about manners, about morals. My parents were always there for me. Where and when did I go wrong?

God gave us all life, and He gave it with a purpose. He had a plan for my life, and if I had followed His plan, I never would have made the mistakes that I did. As badly as I hate to admit it, I've just about broken every commandment that the Father gave us.

My life's purpose was to follow Jesus and live a good Christian life with a man that the Father chose for me. This man would have been the father of my children, my life's companion, my prayer partner, my lover, and my best friend.

I grew up in church. I gave my heart to the Lord when I was fifteen years old. I had gone to a revival, and the spirit of the Lord was so strong that I had to kneel at the altar and ask Jesus into my heart. I was baptised in a swimming pool at the West Coast Bible College in Fresno California. It was a day that I will never forget.

How did I go so wrong? My parents moves us to Colorado when I was seventeen and my world crashed. My friends were gone, my church was gone. It seemed like my Jesus was even left behind. I tried different churches, but I never felt at home.

I know that Jesus lives within me, but I was still a weak babe in Christ, and I had no one to help me stay strong. I never ever felt as alone as I did right then. The longer I was away from a church that fed me, the farther I felt from God.

I met a man that I did love with all my heart. He didn't deny that God was real, he just wanted proof of God's existance, and I had no way of proving it. I knew God was real, and that Jesus came and died for us, but he thought it was just a story someone made up.

We had two children, we never really got along. He wasn't content to stay at home and be a husband and father, so our marriage wound up in divorce. I remarried, got pregnant with my third child, and he walked when I was five months along.

My life was spiraling down more everyday, and the only thing that kept me going were my three children. They gave me a reason to go on living. I had to be there for them and I'm so glad I was. I'll have to admit, there were times when I could have given up and quit.

I found an Assembly of God church down the street from where we lived. I started going there, and I felt like I had finally come home. I won't say that life got simple after that, but I got back on track with a purpose for my life. I still come up against satan's tricks now and then, but as long as he's still dealing with me, he hasn't got me. I belong to a loving Father and I'm joint-heirs with my Savior, Jesus Christ.

I think that everyone gets off track now and then, but hold onto your faith. God will see you through whatever befalls you. Even when I was wandering in sin, He never let go, and I'm so thankful for that. I love Him so much, and even though I'll never know what He had planned for my life, I know now that my life is not over, and I have a purpose now.

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