As I made my way slowly through the crowd, I wondered to myself why I'd even come. Ryan had invited me but he'd be playing with his band for most of the night. It wasn't like I ever hung out with or even just talked to any of these people. Sure, I knew a lot of them from school and through my brother, but they weren't my crowd. I wasn't one of them.
But Ryan had talked me into it. He'd reminded me that I'd promised to go to one of these band nights someday, and that I always talked about how I wanted to see him play with his other band, the one that Sam wasn't in. It was true. I'd said both those things, but at the time hadn't really thought about it.
People called out greetings to me, and a few even stopped to ask how I was doing. The questions always led to conversations about Sam, though, because that was all we had in common. After a while, it got pretty boring. The stories were all the same, the memories as well. Everyone just repeated the same words. Whenever I got caught in a web of my brother, I made up some excuse and pulled myself away.
Finally, Ryan's band started playing. I pushed my way to the front so I could see him clearly. Once again - probably the millionth time since we became friends - I wondered what he saw in me. What made me so interesting? He was one of the coolest guys I knew; and he was popular, too. Every girl in school secretly had a little bit of a crush on him. But who wouldn't? I watched him sing, watched him play guitar, putting everything he had into it. There was a spark in Ryan's eye that made me want to melt the moment he glanced down and noticed I was standing there. For a few minutes, he only looked at me. He sang to me and everyone noticed. I felt eyes boring into the back of my head, but I could only stare right back at him. It was all I could do.
Tonight was the night I would forever look back on as the turning point in our relationship. I had been mulling over my feelings regarding Ryan for a while now. I had wondered on occasion if we were meant to be anything more than friends, if we were ever going to go any further than a hug. But tonight I somehow knew for sure. I just felt it the moment he looked down and sang straight to me. It was suddenly out there in the open. I understood that he, too, wanted more. I think everyone else at school and at home knew already, had seen it before either of us. They weren't surprised at all.
His band was great, of course. And when they had finished their set, Ryan put his guitar down and walked right over to me and pulled me into a big hug.
"I'm glad you came! How'd you like it?"
"It was awesome! But I was getting to feel kind of lonely." I forced my mouth into a frown and gave him the puppy dog eyes. Then I lowered my voice. "You know I'm not really friends with anyone here."
"Be patient. You'll get to be friends with them eventually. They all like you," he said reassuringly. I had to believe him, looking into those beautiful blue eyes. I didn't know what he was talking about, me being friends with the people here soon. I brushed the idea away quickly, easily, because in my mind that was ridiculous. This was not my crowd, and that put a swift end to any potential friendship he saw.
Just then, a few friends of his came and started talking to him. It was awkward; they were all guys and I didn't know any of them. So I gave him a sweet little smile and headed outside for some air. It was freezing, and already dark, but in comparison to the sweat and heat inside, it was heaven.
To my surprise, Ryan followed almost immediately. He slipped out and shut the door behind him, a sly smile on his lips.
"You weren't going to leave without saying goodbye, were you?"
"No! I just wanted some fresh air. I'll stay a bit longer, if you want me to." I knew I sounded eager, but in that moment I would have done anything he asked of me, and it was hard to hide.
"Actually, I really don't like the next band that's gonna play. But it's still early. So...do you wanna just get out of here?" A spark briefly lit up in Ryan's eyes.
I didn't ask where we were headed or even answer him at all. When Ryan Greene requested your company, you didn't question his motives. He was Ryan Greene, a king in my world. So I simply walked right on over to his car, which was parked nearby, and waited patiently for him to unlock it. He grinned, obviously pleased and probably surprised, then followed. And we both got in.
Ryan drove only a few minutes before pulling up to a park I'd seen many times but had never actually gone to. There was an iron fence around the outside, with a gate and a sign saying that the park closed at dark. But the lock on the gate was broken, and he led me straight past it.
I sat on a swing and he started pushing me without my asking. We continued on like that in silence for a few minutes. But then, he stopped the swing, still gripping it but no longer pushing. I turned to ask why he'd stopped, and found that he was just looking down at me with that spark in his eyes once again.
"You look gorgeous tonight," Ryan said. "Just so you know."
I could see his breath, it was so cold. But the chilled air filled my lungs and gave me some strange new boldness I didnt recognize in myself. My heart skipped more than just one beat as I brought myself up to my full height, then caught the chains of the swing just below where he held it. He pulled his hands in, bringing me closer to him.
My blood raced through my veins at an alarming speed. Was it going to happen? I had never dared to hope that my first kiss would be with Ryan Greene. But suddenly, things were looking different. My life was suddenly something of excitement.
He leaned in, and I followed suit - our lips touched and I was soaring. And when he held me close, I felt like someone actually living. I hoped with all my might that this feeling would last, because I was happier now than I could remember ever being.
Ryan seemed to recall at some point that I was his best friend's little sister, and he pulled away gently. But there was a smile on his face.
"Keep swinging," he ordered, grinning. So of course I did. And he resumed his own duties, pushing me back and forth, back and forth.
It started to snow; I wondered if the night could be any more beautiful. Eventually we both realized how cold it was, though, and we got back in the car, breaking the silence with words that hardly registered in my mind. I wanted to treasure every moment, to be able to describe this night in great detail to Sara in the morning. But I was finding this easier said than done - it was all just a blur now. Except for the kiss. The kiss was perfectly fresh in my mind and on my lips.
As always when I was with him, the ride home was much too short. But I was already a little bit late. So after only a small amount of stalling, I reached for the door handle.
"Wait," Ryan said.
"What?" I asked, turning to face him. And as I did so he stole just one more kiss.
"To last me the night," was his explanation.
I finally went inside and there I found the family watching TV in the living room. I stood there in the doorway of the room; just stood there and waited. For what, I don't know. It just felt so anticlimactic, coming in from the sharp cold night and the adventure I'd been on, into this bored atmosphere. I guess I hoped for something more. But my parents didn't know what I was doing. They stared at me and I stared at them and Sam narrowed his eyes.
Finally I just said goodnight and headed up to my room. I'd always thought it would be impossible to keep anything like this from Mom for long, but tonight I felt like everything was shifting yet again. I was happy enough keeping the kiss to myself. There was no need to tell anyone. Even Sara. I almost wanted to keep it all inside forever, to treasure it deeply so no one else could reach it. It was irrational, but that's how I felt. Because I had never been kissed before this night, and until now I had never had an exciting life. Of course I was selfish about finally having one.