Damaged Goods:
There will be no peace or spiritual rescue tonight for her demons have been very busy placing the old stumbling blocks anew. Yes, tonight is another one of those deep nights, restless, thick, and emotionally suffocating. Aubrey's body is so very tired, yet her mind rapidly searches for protection against her relentless fears. Aimlessly her thoughts wander here and there towards forbidden places and unlocked doors. She cannot stop. She cannot fully rest or sleep. Darkness muffles the music of her mind. Again and again she is abandoned and unsafe. Aubrey can't even manage a scream to break this living nightmare.
Her thoughts steer themselves and she experiences snapshots of misery rediscovered. Unresolved feelings that were once buried alive appear before her growing large and heavy. Aubrey is a frightened child once more. Bits and pieces of unpleasant memories hunt after her and another frightful journey begins to a time she didn't survive, events Aubrey has never escaped. It's always her fault and there is no one to trust, not even herself.
She was born on a cold night, cold for Los Angeles. It was not Aquarius rising in the heavens as she had been told, but Cassiopeia, Parseaus, with Aries low in the evening sky. These constellations were twinkling, muted and misty as they witnessed overhead. The moon was missing, new and dark. She was not a child of the greater light, joyful and privileged, nor was she a child of the lesser light, appreciated and loved. She was not a free spirited child of the eleventh sign of the zodiac, but a sad little girl of the least of the lights set in the heavens with her dreams fashioned from their stardust waiting to be acknowledged or blown away.
Cold, helpless and defeated she entered an uncertain world becoming the fifth member of the family, the third child forsaken, and the first daughter of a man and a woman no longer in love; if ever. No, Aubrey was not a cuddly bundle of promise or daddy's little girl; she was a gambling chip of low value. She was an ill-conceived idea in a premeditated effort to rescue and save a broken relationship and financially secure her mother's position. Aubrey's assigned purpose for being was to help regain and assert some control and advantage, to force one partner to remain in an unwanted marriage or force him to pay the price. The plan didn't work and the payments fell to Aubrey the ultimate victim.
Her birth was not a celebration of the triumphs of love and happiness. There were many uncertainties, but one thing was sure, she was a failure at her special purpose in life even before drawing her first breath. So Aubrey was relegated as a resource to be applied like a patch on a new and different relationship. For a very short while she was an asset displayed like a trophy. Aubrey helped solidify the new deal, a new daddy for the family and a new husband for mother.
Fifteen months later another daughter was born, but this child definitely finalized the contract because this child was theirs together. Being full pedigree #2 daughter was moved to the front of the line. Aubrey became the last and the last became #1. That's just how things were going to be. Aubrey's inner light was reduced to a flicker.
In Aubrey's childhood home "spare the rod and spoil the child" was not interpreted as "the rod of my mouth" or the words of God. No, in her home it was considered to be a stick or whipping switch that was liberally applied at every turn. As a child she was taught her place and her value in this world. She tried to please, but never could. Hers' was a bitter playground indeed. Aubrey made one mistake. She believed them and so her self medicated wrestling with various addictions began.
Today Aubrey still believes she must accept mere scraps that fall from the banquet table, which is life, to the floor below where she has been trained to wait. Everyone is better than Aubrey, especially the men that rotate in and out of her life. She can't teach her children too much different from her own experience and so the world's quotient for frustration, anger and rage grows.
Little people are delivered into this world everyday. Too many like Aubrey are captured and crippled. Too many have muffled cries and unanswered prayers, restless nights, and broken dreams. Aubrey is just one of these ghosts and her life's end result began when she was very small. Future adult-children of violence, abuse and neglect are wounded in so many ways and are left vulnerable to everything and anyone. These are the adults, which as children were forced to linger in the shadows growing small and crooked. Their humanity has gaps and holes and their self esteem is bruised and broken. Fear rules the day and trust is only word with no meaning.
Isn't it amazing what is put at risk, how long the pain lasts, what can be lost when those twice her size forgot to unselfishly consider this world through the eyes of a child; the innocent eyes of a work in process and of great potential? And so the cycle continues until we are all brought to our feet to stand against violence, neglect, and abuse.
We must consider our part to first protect and then bind the wounds and heal the broken spirits of the new young victims and former victims of old, now turned confused, neglectful and/or predatory themselves. Both victims are alike for there is a genealogy to these things and this cycle must be broken. Generally speaking females turn all this poison inward, while males tend to act outward against others. Punishing the bird in our hands is less than half of the answer and compassion and wisdom must make up the difference. I know this article is difficult for some sensitive souls struggling with their own secrets or the sufferings of loved ones; just like me. I apologize. You have my prayers, support, and deep empathy.