by Jared Garrett

Created on: July 22, 2008

I looked at my guide, squinting through the blaze of the sun. He told me to call him 'guide,' after I referred to him as sensei, swami, lama and master in turn. For a guy who's so centered, he sure gave me that instruction with enthusiasm.

Anyway, the sand seemed to have caught fire and settled into embers just before I sat on it, so I was having trouble sitting still. "How'm I supposed to sit comfortably on sand that feels like molten lava?"

"Put it out of your mind."

Okay, I could maybe put it out of my mind, but the real worry was whether I'd need to call the burn unit for the second-degree burns no doubt covering my rear-end by now. "How do I put it out of my mind when it hurts?"

"This is the purpose of meditation," he said. "To be able to maintain your center, your focus and your tranquility in the face of any adversity or chaos. Pain is an emotion, much like anger."

Pain was an emotion? Was he kidding? And why did he get a little mat to sit on? That was a good question. "Why don't I get a mat like you?"

"Only when you have transcended the physical will you merit physical comforts." Now my guide's eyes were squinting too, but I was pretty sure it wasn't because of the sun; he was sitting in the shade.

I knew I shouldn't say it, but I had to. "Hey, I bet I could transcend this sand better with a mat."

"Listen," my not-so-peaceful guide said. "You were sent here to deal with your anger issues. Meditation is gonna help, so zip it and do what I say."

I only had anger issues because there were so many morons in the world. But I didn't want to do the community service the judge had ordered as an alternative, so I sat there, the fiery inferno above me, a finally cooling patch of magma beneath me, and the metallic taste of cooked sand in my mouth.

"Now. Sitting Indian-style, relax with your hands resting on your knees. Close your eyes."

I bit back a comment about how a recliner would have enabled the whole 'sit comfortably' thing better. I closed my eyes and relaxed.

"No. You must sit with your back straight so that your breathing is smooth and flows properly."

My eyes still closed, I said, "But you said to relax."

"Relax with your back straight."

"But that's not relaxed!"

"Place an iron bar in your spine and relax against it."

"I don't have an iron bar."

"Picture one."

I sat for a moment, trying to visualize what an iron bar might look like. I settled on the bar I used for weightlifting. "Okay, got it."

"Now imagine it is in your spine, making you sit up straight but enabling you

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