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for various competitions or for exams. But one was chilling. It said that they knew what I was and they'd teach me for being such a freak.

I hadn't told anyone. I wasn't easily scared back then. Back then when I caught a 4th year bullying a 1st year by hanging him over a toilet and flushing it on to his hair I fixed it by doing precisely the same to the 4th year. I didn't like bullies. So I'd ignored it.

Word got out as it was always bound to of what I was planning. People who had seemingly liked me started to shun me, ignore me in the street. But I still intended to do what Amanda and I had planned. That was until the morning I found a letter with my name printed on the envelope waiting for me. It quite simple said that if I went I would be knifed. Something inside me broke. It took years for it to heal. I didn't go.

I spent that night cutting my first dress into one inch squares with a scissors. That was the second time I came out to someone and it's outcome.

Ultimately the result was that I dove back into the closet for safety. I played nicely and pretended to be a good boy for a long time. I had girlfriends all of whom felt I was the perfect boyfriend but also felt that something was wrong with their boyfriend. Only one put her finger on it and left because she got tired of being in a "lesbian relationship with a man.". But in truth I did my best to forget the truth about myself. I never came even close and finally it all caught up to me.

Five years ago a day dawned that changed everything for me. My health which has never been good was seriously failing me and in a deep, dark pit of depression that part of me that broke all those years before finally made itself truly known. I woke up and started to cry. I cried the entire day. I cried for the little girl I had never been. I cried for the young woman I could never now be. I cried for the babies fate had robbed me of the chance to bear and for a thousand more reasons I cried.

After the first few hours my heart started to feel like it was made of shattered glass and I felt I couldn't go on any longer. I started to write letters. Lots of letters. One to each of the people I loved most, saying goodbye. I finally finished them late in the evening and took a huge dose of painkillers helped down by some aqua vitae. I lay myself down for the last time and closed my eyes.

The next morning I opened them up to the worst hangover I have ever had the misfortune to experience and to a world that had been changed for me in

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