by p.smith

Created on: July 21, 2008

I've found religion! I am worshipping at the altar of Shopping. This new faith suits me so much better than my previous beliefs for three good reasons. See if these points don't grab you. Maybe you'll ditch your current denomination and join the fastest-growing religion on the planet. The Shoppers of the world urge you to join them.

Reason Number One To Convert to Shopping:-

Catchy Musical Arrangements.

Now, I love hymns, expertly delivered by a well trained choir. Hours of practice produce a crisp, clean, uplifting message designed to elevate and inspire the congregation. However, absent the choir, when the hymns are left to the interpretation of random pew-sitters, a different sound emerges.

This is no carefully schooled chorale, but a group of tone deaf, hung over, half asleep worshippers who happen to have landed in church simultaneously. The resulting cacophony can be downright offensive. The screechers duel with the wailers, while those who know the words try to drown out the mumblers. And they all believe fervently in the merits of the s-l-o-w delivery. Their all-powerful God has probably considered striking them dumb. Compare this dismal effort with the musical experiences of Shopping worshippers.

Every time you turn on the radio or TV, you hear million-dollar jingles so simple and infectious that they instantly convert new people to Shopping. Everyone knows the words. The tunes are designed to cycle through the mind on a loop. People learn them, use them and repeat them with such ease that the Shopper message is soon disseminated to the unenlightened. The Shopping god, far from wanting to strike his devotees dumb, tries to insinuate these Shopping hymns into our every conscious activity.

He wants to hear us hum along, join in, add personal interpretations and get everyone around us involved. Yes! Jingle-singing Shoppers are the true missionaries for their cause. They spread the word, increase sales and cause spikes in mall visitations. Even the best trained choirs seldom incite stampedes of frenzied church-goers to converge on their places of worship. Shoppers will sleep out in the rain to be first in the door of their chosen outlet.

Reason Number Two To Convert To Shopping:-

Tithing Comes With a Guarantee for Shopping Believers.

Before I became a Shopper, I tithed my ten percent , like all good church-goers. Problem was, there were no guarantees that God would see fit to send me good fortune, health or happiness in return. To be truthful, it often seemed

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