by Scott D. Morrow

Created on: July 20, 2008

It Came Upon A Deadline Clear

Now that the Christmas season is over, I, like other writers, must once again say goodbye to the "easy money" and actually start working again.

By "easy", I am, of course, referring to that cash cow of the writing profession: the Christmas Story.

As we all know, Christmas is the one time of year that even the worst drivel that might seep out of our brains can easily become a best-seller, provided it contains a few basic "seasonal elements".

I would like to share my recipe for a Christmas story that is practically rejection-proof.

1) Make sure you include snow. In December, people are suckers for anything that contains snow. I've never been able to figure out why this should have anything to do with Christmas; as far as I am aware, the Middle East is not noted for it's blizzards. But somehow, the image of snow has worked its way into the general public's subconscious, so we may as well milk it for all it's worth.

2) Even if it has nothing whatsoever to do with your story, have the story end at Christmas. This is a trick that has been exploited very successfully over many media, most notably the film It's A Wonderful Life and John Hughes' Home Alone series. Because of this simple, yet often overlooked, technique, many films and fictional works have become "seasonal classics". Imagine what could have happened if The Texas Chainsaw Massacre had utilized this gimmick.

3) The protagonist should be a young boy who wants something tangible: skates are tried and true, if a bit outdated; flamethrowers are more interesting, but may scare off some of the more conservative publishers/producers. You can, of course, use a young girl for a protagonist, but then it's more effective to make her "want" a little more personal - like a kidney.

4) Include a crotchety old man who needs something intangible, like "love" or "family" or "understanding." Although, in real life, old people are really in need of more tangible things (usually money, housing and food), this won't sell at Christmas. Remember, your reader/viewer doesn't want reality in December; your reader wants tradition.

5) During the course of the story, the boy must get what he wants, give it up, and end up getting it back again. This last part is important: if he doesn't get it back again, your story will never sell in today's market. After all, why go through all the trouble of giving up what you want if you don't get it back again?

6) Add more snow.

7) The old man should get what he "needs" from the boy. Remember: crotchety old men like to adopt young boys with skates.

8) For good measure, you may want to add a cute furry animal as an "unexpected" Christmas present. Fur is important: iguanas look funny with bows tied around their necks.

9) Don't worry about resolving all of the conflicts in the story. Remember that you can always end with someone saying something idiotic like, "Well, let's not worry that Great Aunt June has been bludgeoned to death and her body parts strewn throughout Vermont! After all, it's Christmas!"

10) Add more snow.

11) Add sleigh bells.

12) Add carolers.

13) Cash your check.

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