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If you think bunnies with two ears are cute, you should see bunnies with THREE ears! My math skills aren't too great, but I think that means they're fifty percent cuter than the two eared variety. Instead of hopping along, they kind of shuffle. And when the neighbor's cat comes by they have the hardest time running away, considering that most of them are half blind. But they seriously are adorable, huddled out there, chewing on my perfectly manicured lawn.

Every morning I give my lawn and garden a healthy dose of pesticides. Both herbicides to get those naughty weeds, and insecticides to kill any mosquitoes or icky-poo slugs that might be slithering about. Pesticides are OUR FRIENDS, made in laboratories by nice humans just like us who need jobs. Therefore, pesticides are good for our country and good for the economy, and people who don't like them are practically un-American.

Pesticides treat anything I consider a pest, with a dandelion in first place with a score of a perfect ten (ultimate pest) and purple topped thistles barely beating out creeping charlie in second and third place. The kinds of pesticides that treat plants are called herbicides, while the kind that treat insects are called insecticides. That's pretty easy to remember, right?

Insecticides are great too. Like, for instance, a couple of weeks ago I had a barbeque on my porch and I sprayed some nice mosquito insecticide all over the place and no one got bit. Shirley Fisher was complaining she felt nauseous all day, I must admit, but she's a big whiner. She left looking a little queasy, but completely bug-bite free. So there.

The way I see it, if a few squirts are designed to kill a small creature, but we humans are much larger than a small creature, we must be safe. Example: A human could drown in the ocean, but a spritz of ocean water is merely refreshing. See what I mean?

Speaking of that barbeque, I served the most perfect beefsteak tomatoes anyone had ever seen. They looked like something out of a Burpee seed catalog. Thank you, pesticides. My little secret helper!

You must be wondering how I am such a fan of pesticides, yet I am writing to discourage you not to use them. Well, it's easy: I am trying to win the healthiest lawn contest and I just can't handle the competition. I spend hundreds of dollars, not to mention up to thirty minutes a day spraying my pesticides all about the yard, and I really deserve to win. The first place prize is a gazebo made of faux mahogany. So please keep your weedy, hippie gardens going strong and let me have that fabulous trophy on my mantle this year.

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