by Tracey Cozby

Created on: July 18, 2008   Last Updated: July 22, 2008

Divorce. Not a word to enter into your mind when you said "I do" but...there is it. Welcome to the big "D". Whether you have visited it once or multiple times, you are faced with the next big D. Dating. I'm not sure which one is worse. Both hold issues for a person who has children under the age of 18.

Divorcing before your children truly understand what is going on takes some of the sting out of it. If the divorce is amicable, even better. Once all is said and done and you are divorced all you can think is "Now what?". You are alone. Not quite the way you had planned things is it? All you can do is let time do it's healing of your heart and slowly put yourself into the dating pool again. I do not recommend jumping off of the high dive first time out. Just walk into to the wading pool first.

The question of the hour is "How do I do this with children?". Not an easy task but definitely one that can be accomplished. You won't have your children with you 100% of the time. They will be with the other parent at some point in the week or every other weekend. Plan your dates around your visitation schedule. Not the most glamorous situation but your carefree, happy-go-lucky teenage days are gone. You are a parent now. Your child(ren)should be your priority. I'm not saying that you have lost all of your identity but at this point in life, your dating has to take a back seat to your parenting.

Ok, you have gone out on a date. It was all you imagined and more. Great conversation, some chemistry, smiles and you want to see this person again. Fabulous! They want to see you also. You work things out to see them the following visitation weekend. Woah! Hold on! That's 2 weeks from now. Are you serious? Yep. Time to rein in those hormones my giddy friend. Now what? Honestly? Lots of phone calls, texts, emails and instant messages. It's not an ideal situation you are in but it is workable. You need to find what works for you and go with it. Find those romantic things that will fan the little spark and see if it will work into a flame.

When you are dating this person you need to be getting to know them and if they are someone you want to be in your life and your childrens lives long term. For the first 6 months that person can be anything you want them to be. After that period of time they are going to remain just how they have been or become who they really are which may turn out to be a disaster. Dating is a time for you to get to know someone. You are the one getting to know them. Dating is for two adults to get to know one another's identity and who they are. Not as a parent but as a man/woman. Bringing a child into the mix just complicates the potential relationship but will also confuse your child should the relationship not work out. Children blame divorce on themselves even when we tell them it is not their fault. If the person you are dating is suddenly no longer in your life can you just imagine what a young child is going to think?

Dating is difficult at best for an adult. Allowing a potential life partner into your child's life too soon serves only as a bomb just waiting for the right time to explode. Not only will you be hurt if the relationship ends but your child will begin to develop fears and ideas that relationships do not last. This is something that can be avoided if you take the steps in your dating life to show them how a healthy relationship begins and progresses. That is a life lesson they will carry with them forever.

Dating after divorce can seem daunting and an insurmountable situation. With the right planning and taking things slowly with a prospective partner, it can be an exciting time in life and enjoyable for all involved.

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