by Donna Carroll Batton

Created on: July 17, 2008

There is a big difference between empathy and sympathy.

Empathy is the ability to understand another person's situation and feelings.
Sympathy is an emotion you have for someone's loss.

Sympathy is easier for us to understand. Everyone, at one time or another has felt sympathy for someone. When you learn that your best friend's mother has just passed away, you feel sympathy for your friend. You feel sorry for her loss. When your next-door neighbor's cat is run over by a car in front of the house, you feel sympathy for your neighbor. When you read in the newspaper about someone being killed in an automobile accident, you feel sympathy for the family. We can all relate to these sad situations.

Empathy is a bit less understood by a lot of people. Feeling empathy is the ability to put yourself in another's shoes and understand their emotions the reasons for their feelings. I can better explain it this way: Have you ever been walking down a street in your town and come across a man or woman dressed in dirty, torn clothing, begging for money? What was your reaction? Did you immediately cross the street and avoid contact with that person? Did you drop a few coins into his/her hand and hurry by? Or did you frown and grumble, "Get a job!" under your breath as you passed? Maybe you are a very kind soul and offered to buy the unfortunate person a warm meal. Which reaction indicates empathy? The last one, of course. While giving the beggar a little money might show sympathy, it doesn't necessarily indicate empathy. Empathy means you can relate to the person's current condition. You can say to yourself, "There, but for the grace of God, go I." You're not condemning him/her for their circumstances, having to beg for money. Instead you can feel their pain and need.

I spent over twenty years working for my county's department of social services, the last five as a caseworker. The department had many caseworkers, which were divided into three divisions: Child Protection and Children's Services, Adult Protection (my department) and Senior Services. Each caseworker had his or her particular way of interacting with clients. Some were gruff and authoritarian. Some were kind, helpful and sympathetic. Then there were those who were genuinely empathetic. In my own experience, I found this later category of workers to have the greatest and most positive effect on the down-and-out clients. Instead of talking down to them and causing them to feel worse about themselves, they uplifted client's spirits and gave them a sense of worth. By treating clients as equals and talking to them on their own level, most were very willing to help us help them. Instead of feeling defensive and arbitrary, they felt you understood their circumstances and really wanted to help them get through the bad time in their lives.

You don't have to be a social worker or medical worker to show empathy. You can practice it with the young clerk in the fast food place. Instead of yelling at him for getting your order wrong, you can empathize by saying something like, "It must be hard keeping all these orders straight." Instead of blasting your horn at the elderly driver for turning the corner too slow, you can be patient and think, "Someday I'll be that age and slowing down." After all, a person's life situation can, and frequently does, change at the drop of a hat. You never know when you might find yourself in the same situation as the person you're finding fault with. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" is still the best rule to live by.

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