by Starri Knight

Created on: January 04, 2007   Last Updated: May 02, 2007

So many songs and so much poetry has been dedicated to heartbreak and heartache hat we've come to think of it as a natural aspect of romantic relationships. But is it? Does love really have to hurt? A lot of the time we remain in unhappy relationships out of habit, fear or many other wrong reasons. In fact, the only good reason to be in a romantic relationship is because that lover, friend and life partner enriches your life and makes you happier than you would be alone or with someone else. If you're questioning whether or not your relationship is a bad one, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Am I still with this person because I love them and am happy, or for some other reason (financial, social, etc.)?

It's a reality of course that sometimes we become financially or socially entangled with our significant others to the point where we feel completely dependent on them (and can even believe that we can't live without them). We fear starting over, or the pain of losing things and a lifestyle that we enjoy. If sex, love and a soul mate is not your need, and you are content to be content, then perhaps this is not a bad situation for you. But if you really want to be crazy in love and have become roomates/co-signers, then it may be time for you to reconsider your priorities. Realise that if you're not happy you CAN move on - houses can be sold, bank accounts can be closed, and new and better lives are just a decision away.

2. Does this person make me feel good or bad?

Is this person your biggest fan? Are you their biggest fan? It's not too much to ask for, no - it's the least one should expect. Does this person make you laugh - or cry? Does this person lift your spirits or bring you down? If you find yourself happier when you're away from this person, and experience a sense of dismay and gloom when it's time to go home and see them again, you need to re-evaluate your situation.

3. Is this relationship contributing to my quality of life and happiness or detracting from it?

Or, as Tina Turner sings: "What have you done for me lately?" Does your significant other play a meaningful and positive role in your life? Is this someone that you can talk to, share life with in real ways? Or is this someone that you would rather avoid most of the time? Does this person have faults or flaws that directly impact your security or sense of well being (for example an addiction, or anger management issues)?

4. Is this relationship meeting my needs and life goals that are important to me?

Maybe you want to have a baby and your partner doesn't. Maybe you want to travel and your partner doesn't Maybe you want sex more than your partner does. Relationships are about compromise, of course, and we all have to be prepared to make concessions. But if the things you're sacrificing are very important to you, then perhaps your relationship is keeping you from meeting your life goals, rather than helping you achieve them.

5. Am I staying because I'm afraid to be alone or lonely, or can't deal with the guilt of leaving?

Be honest with yourself - are you staying because it's too much trouble to leave and start over? If so, close your eyes and imagine your perfect life. Imagine a partner who makes you happy and a relationship that meets all your needs. See that person and feel that new life, feel the warmth of contentment, the excitement of happiness, the joy of loving and being loved. Now ask yourself: Isn't it worth it?

Finally, an important note: If your relationship is in any way abusive (physically or mentally), you should leave immediately. When love hurts (or your lover is hurting you or people you love) it's definitely time to say goodbye.

Learn more about this author, Starri Knight.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.