by Eve Redstone

Created on: July 16, 2008

I never got cricket, and I still don't. I have been accused of being un-English because of this, and un-Australian, but I think it just makes me un-male.

My husband maintains the English invented cricket as a tool of imperialism. His argument goes along the lines that a boatload of Englishmen would row ashore in some foreign part and set up a game of cricket. The natives would gather, and as they discussed what on earth was going on the crowd would grow. This ploy worked because the game is far too long and completely incomprehensible. The crowd would grow larger and larger. Catering would be laid on and the crowd would stay.

The initial boatload would probably that type of Upper class Englishman who chooses to make himself understood by talking more loudly, the sort that rule by confidence not skill. My husband maintains that they would also be mainly second sons as these are, in the main, disposable. It wouldn't matter so much then if the natives decided that, no, they didn't really care what the mad foreigners were up to, and could just kill them and go home.

Whilst all this was going on another boatload of Englishmen would row ashore further up the coast and raise a flag, claiming the exotic foreign land for Britain. When the cricket game finally broke up some weeks or months later the local population would find a British imperial government installed.

" But it's our country!"

"Where's your flag, mm, see that's our flag, therefore this is our country now."

It seems to have worked in India and Australia, who still play cricket today. Of course it didn't work in the United States, which being full of expats who understood the ploy, threw the British out.

The passage of the centuries has not made the game any easier to follow and making it shorter or more brightly coloured has not made it any more enjoyable as a spectator sport to non-fans.

I once expressed my dislike of the game to an elderly man in the pub, who devoted several pints of ale and the lunch break at Lords to explaining the finer points of the tactics of the game to me. Once I was drunk I got it, I really did. Then I sobered up.

All I could remember was where the fielding position of silly mid off is, because it's a remarkably silly place to stand. It's very near a missile travelling at over one hundred miles per hour and a wooden bat. The other gem I discovered was that one of the great cricketing commentaries of all time was " Batsman's Holding, bowler's Willy."

I still don't get cricket, and never will, but my husband's version of its role in imperialism lends it an historical importance. This means I can leave him in peace to watch a test match, which may have been the point all along.

Learn more about this author, Eve Redstone.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.