by April's Aria

Created on: July 16, 2008

While I feel that my parents were good and decent people they never prepared me for the roller coaster ride called "falling in and out of love". I grew up in a family with 5 siblings, where there was very little true expressions of love. All our basic needs were abundantly met but we were never advised on matters of the heart. It only goes to follow that somewhere along the road of life I would stumble upon the rocky path of love without any direction or knee pads! Needless to say, I fell hard and sustained wounds that may take a lifetime to heal. As a child the words; "I love you" were never clearly articulated and hugs were few and far between. Throughout high school and college I survived without any notable heartbreak presumably because I never learned how to say and feel the words; "I love you". When these words were first spoken to me, I became completely mute with zero depth of knowledge or experience upon which to pull a response. It was as if someone was speaking a foreign language and I was hopelessly clueless. As time passed I became more comfortable with not responding to such unfamiliar expressions of love. These emotions were abandoned altogether and considered unnecessary.

I was forty years old before I first experienced the complete elation and dream-like state that goes hand in hand with falling deeply in love.
He was nine years older then me and he had explored and experienced as many areas of intimacy/sexuality as is humanly possible. A cultured, educated gentleman describing himself as a master of seduction and charm, would often say in jest; "be careful because all women fall in love with me". Why didn't I heed his prophetic warning? It was most likely the only statement he ever made that held complete validity; "be careful, because all women fall in love with me". "What a narcissist" I thought to myself; "doesn't he know that I'm the Ice Princess who bears a frozen heart?" Yet, I was exceedingly curious and intrigued by his expressive display of the foreign language of love that eluded me my whole life. He found my inexperience and inability to express love a delightful opportunity to test his art of seducing a woman into falling in love. He represented the extreme opposite of anything that I ever valued in life and held the intellectual ability to pose strong supporting arguments when I found his suggestions immoral.
We chatted every night online and everyday by phone. We would spend long weekends together and eventually he came to know

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