by Leola Washington

Created on: July 15, 2008

I'm all for healthy and open marriages, but the time to discuss past relationship history is before the marriage. By the time he's said "I do" he needs to say "I don't" to drama.

One of the key mistakes couples make is assuming that their relationship is too perfect and therefore must be "fixed" as a consequence. Sadly, humans are fallible by nature and the chances are very slim that your partner will have some kind of divine benevolence when it comes to your shady past.

THINGS TO CONSIDER
Will his relationship history damage the future of the marriage if it resurfaces? Unless there's a body buried in the backyard, there's a good chance that resurrecting your past will do more harm than good. The past can't be changed, but the foundation and happiness of a marriage can.

The best thing to do is weigh the costs with the benefits. If a high volume of previous partners is the question, the husband should consider getting tested to make sure that latent diseases won't rear their ugly heads.

Additionally, if past partners have emotionally scarred the husband and he feels that his baggage is damaging the marriage, then maybe he could try consulting a therapist to resolve his issues.

BEFORE HE DIVULGES
The husband should make sure that he is prepared to accept a wide array of reactions from his spouse. Even if the wife has no significant reaction, the very lack of her reaction could be damaging. The husband should not reveal the secrets of his relationship history unless he is prepared to accept the consequences of the discussion. The secret could be so ghastly that no sane wife would stay. He should be fully prepared to plunge into the abyss after revealing his history.

THE TELL-TALE HEART
Maybe his reasons for wanting to tell the truth are entirely selfish. The husband could just be wanting to ease his own guilt and is doing a relationship drive-by dumping of all his past mistakes. Unless he hears phantom hearts beating in the night, he should suck it up and deal with the consequences of his choices without involving his wife.

One of biggest arguments made for revealing all secrets within marriage is that there will always be something missing or that the omission will negatively impact the husband's quality of life. The truth is that no human being can be entirely transparent. There will always be something which ends up flying under the radar by default. The mechanism of guilt and conscious is different in every individual and so what seems like a harmless secret to one husband, could feel like a crushing weight to another. The husband should only divulge if the latter is the case.

Ultimately, the choice of whether or not to reveal relationship history should not be made lightly.

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