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How would a modern-day critic review the Bible?

"This is an ambitious saga of sorts, with all the makings of a good yarn - death, destruction, war, famine, magic and mysticism, and heroes and bad guys. However, the downsides are that it is overly long and the language can at times appear as impenetrable as a Shakespeare play.

In volume one, God, a mysterious chap who has no past to speak of, decides in the space of a week to create a world within a universe, and populates it with creatures and plant life. When He gets rather bored with this new world He has created, He adds two troublesome creations called Adam and Eve, who are the start of God's woes. Adam and Eve bite the hand that feeds them, and from then on it is a battle of wills between humankind and God, with some men and women wanting God on their side, and God striking down and punishing anyone who spurns Him. Nothing is beyond His ire: bloodshed, war, plague, natural disaster, flood, a whale, salt - these and many other weapons are at His disposal for ensuring He gets the troublemakers onside. This makes the first volume of this work hugely entertaining, although one can imagine the films of the many stories contained within it will work better than the book. The shock and awe of special effects should certainly be more visually appealing than the "thy's" and "thou's" that will likely slow down the plot for most readers.

Volume two gets a little bogged down by the main character, Jesus, who is said to be God's only son. Quite why Adam wasn't brought back from the dead in a manner similar to JR or Bobby Ewing to dispute this claim was a bit of an oversight, and could have made the second volume a much more interesting read, although walking on water, feeding five thousand on a tight budget and two ingredients, and turning water into wine will certainly keep more imaginative readers hooked. However, God by now has become a tad more sentimental in His old age, with much of the blood and anger gone and replaced with love, which makes for a rather more plodding and less action-inspired story. Hollywood movies will no doubt tend to end this volume on Jesus' tragic death and disturbing resurrection (much like Wuthering Heights ended on the first Cathy's death), somewhat bucking the American preference for happy endings, yet ignoring the darker side to the latter parts of these works (Armageddon; Heathcliff's hatred towards Cathy Jr.). Also laughable is one key message given in this volume: "Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself". A nice sentiment, indeed, yet so far removed from reality and the many prejudices we hold dear that it is difficult to suspend one's belief.

The work also suffers from conflicting statements, such as "Turn the other cheek" and "An eye for an eye", which render such "words of wisdom" somewhat redundant and could generate much confusion. This may be the result of the book's many authors, and more attention to detail would have been appreciated by this particular reviewer. And why shellfish should be singled out as a particularly bad food source I cannot quite fathom. One would have thought that if any food should be outlawed by God, McDonalds and other fast food would have been much higher on His list.

All in all, an intriguing and fantastical read in parts, with excitement and action to entertain and inspire the most ardent of warmongers, and enough emotion in volume two to satisfy the most sentimental of saps. Fans of ancient Egypt and the Roman Empire will surely enjoy the many historical elements of the plot. However, at several thousand pages long, this is not recommended as a thumping good read for a beach holiday.

Learn more about this author, David Chaproniere.
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