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You know, I was never really interested in going shopping with my wife - and I was especially against the idea of even setting foot in Wal-Mart. That is, until I discovered the single greatest way to achieve a real rush from the whole deal. You know, a real woosh.

Here are a few things that I do in order to A) keep myself amused in the throes of big box retail hell and B) Hopefully embarass my wife and kids enough so that they keep their shopping spree to a limited time-limit.

Tip #1

Walk around the store asking strangers where the free ice cream is being handed out. This usually works best with supremely overweight women carting around 8 or 9 children. For some reason, children of all ages hear the words 'Free,' and 'ice cream' and immediately go into wild hysterics.

I find it best to ask them about the free goop, and then walk away and wait until the kids' frenzy hits a fever pitch. Once the poor tub-of-mom has calmed them, told them that there is no ice cream, etc... I usually just go back and say "excuse me - have you any idea when the parade starts?"

At this point my wife usually apologizes profusely, tells the ignorant strangers that I've forgotten my medication. She's usually embarassed enough to get us the heck out at that point.

Tip #2
Now this is sort of out of left field, but when I'm with my daughter and she's shopping for clothes, I'll take a big bag of twizzlers and creep around the little boys' sweatpant aisle. Now, I'm a pretty strange looking fellow, so to see me in the children's activewear section with red licorice hanging out of my mouth always seems to draw negative attention. this works well because, usually they'll page my wife or daughter over the sound system, they'll come pick me up and we're home in time for the second half of the game.

Tip #3
This is the single greatest move in the history of things to do in Wal-Mart that will inevitably shorten your stay. It's simple. You walk up to people holding a pencil like a microphone. When you start asking them questions, peer deep into their eyes, nod like you're listening, and then - and this must be done at exactly the right time - what you will do is wind-up and punch the person in the genitals. Nothing works quite like it.

Hope this helps you - I'd better get back to my wife before she punches me in the genitals. Now, where the heck are they giving away that free ice cream?

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