by Joshua Mackle

Created on: July 13, 2008   Last Updated: January 19, 2009

"Josh, not meaning to be offensive, but are you gay?"

I can honestly say I have lost count of the amount of people that have asked me this question in my 19 years of living life. Yes, it's true: I bat for the other time, I swing on that vine, my mother will never have grandchildren (unless my sister spawns the beasts, of course). I am a gay man.

However, the sad thing is, it's taken me around 16 years of those 19 for me to be even remotely accepted as part of any community or social group. It's a well-known fact that homosexuality is hardly welcomed with open arms when you're at school. We're brought up with the mentality that being gay isn't what's considered 'normal', and when something different from the norm is a part of someone's life, they get scared. They feel their once stable life has been corrupted and is no longer safe, and they unleash their rage upon the blameless victim. At one time, this victim was me. I have been beaten, spat at, abused, referred to as 'the gay boy' and 'the freak', the works.

Understandably, my time in school wasn't the best of times. The onset of my adolescence didn't help at all, and I soon plunged into a deep depression. I was being socially excluded, I felt like an outsider and felt like the only one. Being called a freak during a time when you're trying to discover who you are hardly encourages you. By the time I'd left school, I was a subdued, quivering schoolboy who came across as a disoriented child rather than someone verging on adulthood. Then I went to college, and I was never the same again.

I distinctly remember the first time someone asked me if I was gay at college. The indentity of the person escapes me, but I do rememeber the cold grip of fear inside my chest and the panic I felt rushing over me. What would he do if I said yes? Was this going to be the next chapter in my life: more beatings, more exlusion and living in fear throughout all of my college life? I couldn't lie, it simply wasn't in me to pretend to be something I wasn't. I opened my mouth to answer, and heard myself saying "yes". To my utter shock, he simply said "I thought so", and shook my hand. As he walked away, I was stunned beyond belief. What followed was a feeling of serenity I had not experience since I was a young boy. It had finally happened. I was accepted.

Since that day, I became a different person. A lot of my development as a person was repressed due to the abuse I took growing up. Once I realized that no one actually cared about me being gay, I came out of my shell and left my old self behind; the shadow of a lonely, reserved, shy boy was replaced with the image of a confident, bubbly and enthusiastic young man with a passion for life. Along with the acceptance of being gay, my evolution into an adult began.

When people ask me the question now, I simply say 'yes' and move on. Being gay isn't a part of my personality, after all. It's just who I am. Perhaps if people would have gotten to know me in school rather than labelling me as a freak just because of the gender I went weak at the knees for, the story of my life might be different. But in the end, I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm gay and I'm proud. Incidentally, so is everyone else.

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