by Barb's voice heard

Created on: July 13, 2008   Last Updated: October 31, 2008

It took me twenty three years to put the word abuse to what was happening to me. The putdowns and verbal abuse started right away as gestures of humor and "helpfullness."
I always passed it off or said it was not right to talk to me or about me that way.
Of course after years of trying to stop this, you give in and maybe even belief in the web
of deceipt and lies. Need I mention to forget the emotional abuse and economic abuse; which in my eyes is the worst. You can't see scars of the heart. When your husband controls all the big money making decisions it its another feeling of powerlessness until you learn bit by bit to question respectfully again and again until you make a break thru.

The physical abuse started right away too, although I didn't realize it sincd I thought it was so minor. Pushing and shoving, or throwing a piece of paper or a book at me like a bully, since that is what they are because they never learned to handle stress or anger in an appropriate way. It was ten years into the marriage when I was knocked off the chair for not feeding the baby right and he threw up. He had a small stomach it happened often. I was five months pregnant at the time and I said, My God you could have hurt the baby that I'm carrying. I didn't think of myself. I always seem to minimize what has happened to me.
One and half years later, my daughter was pushing my buttons, and I put her in the playpen and went outside to vent by myself, or so I thought. Out of the blue, my husband knocked me into the trailer, into the wall, yelling "Who the hell do you think you are? You are not allowed to swear, you are supposeed to act like a mother, your pathetic." I kept trying to tell thim I didn't say it but he hit me and called me a liar. When I asked him and begged him to stop, why are you doing this, he told me to shut up, I needed this and kept hitting me. When it was over, I felt hurt and shocked and he made me feel guilty and ashamed. I wanted to leave but he said I had no money no job since I quit to take care of the kids, you can have the girl but the boy stays with me. I stayed.
Years went by and nothing that physical happened until he was stressed again over being in his own business. He would throw the money at me. He beat me over a car accident. He choked me once or twice that I can remember. The dog bit him that is what stopped him. The dog is fed well I might add.
The light bulb came on and I went for counseling the day I he kept yelling because I went next door

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