by Cynthia Stodolka

Created on: July 13, 2008   Last Updated: July 21, 2008

Red gold hair and milky white porcelain skin , a fair iridescent body untouched by the golden rays of the sun. A pale beauty as white as the first snow of winter unmolested by color, blemish, or prior sun burn.

This was the way I came into this world, my DNA was pre determined that I would not ever have the ability to be one of the "hot" sexy girls with the tan golden body,

who laid on the beach for hours glistening in the sun, while my body turns a deep golden brown. I would always burn.

This is a curse placed upon me,like a life sentence for a crime I did not commit. Not having the gene's to achieve a deeply tanned body, like society says I should have in order to be glamorous, sexy, and "healthy" looking female is a hard punishment to swallow.

Society say's I am worthless because I don't fit the exotic tropical beach girl in summer,or the tanned snow bunny in winter. I am not desirable with white fair skin even though I have no freckles.

The sun's UV rays are a death sentence to people like me, if I spend to much time in the sun without sunscreen, or encased in a tanning booth in a salon on a regular bases. I am aware of Melanoma, a deadly skin cancer that is caused by repeated exposure to the sun without protection from sun screen,or tanning session in the tanning salon.

My ears have repeatedly heard the warnings of the news media and health professionals, dermatologists. Use precaution use sun screen when in the sun.

On vacation in Las Vegas in a 103 degree heat,I sunbathe at the hotel pool in a two piece bathing suit, everyday for two or three hours with no sunscreen.
I go to the beach several times a week, and lay in the warm sand for hours no sun screen protection. I burn, I do not tan.

I know what I am doing to myself is like getting into a car without putting on my seatbelt, or playing Russian roulette with a loaded gun.

Magazines, television ,the media, and society say I must be tan to be sexy and desirable. Being fair skinned does not attract the opposite sex, does not get the whistles or a second glance.

My quest to achieve a tan is actually a deadly addiction .Similar to substance abuse, alcoholism, and smoking. I continually fight for a tan I pay no attention to what the consequences may be to my body. Sunscreen is not my friend.

I cannot find peace with in myself, and to have high enough self esteem to know that I can be beautiful without a tan. That is why I pay no heed to the risk involved.

As I prepare to go lay out by the pool for yet another session in the sun ,I realize that I am fighting an addiction, one that is not recognized by mental health professionals.An addiction that at some point in my life, may possibly kill me.

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