by The Oley School

Created on: July 13, 2008

Where Were You?
I didn't understand the sadness lingering in this assembly of family members. We were telling Daddy goodbye, but I didn't quite realize what it meant. Maybe I didn't want to believe it, or perhaps this eight-year-old child just wasn't mature enough to comprehend the concept of death. Whatever the case, I didn't want to be involved in this depressing ceremony, so I spent most of the service sitting on the cool cement steps leading up to the funeral home, wondering why everyone was so upset. What was the big deal? Daddy was just sleeping. It didn't seem too important to me to say anything at the time. I figured if I wanted to tell him something I'd just wait for him to wake up, so I didn't tell him anything that day. As my life went on, and years passed, quite a few important things came up that I felt my Daddy needed to know about, but he still wasn't awake. I can't pinpoint the exact moment when I finally realized that my Daddy was never going to wake up, but it was right around the time when I was starting to go through the transition from adolescence to adulthood, because during this period I often found myself talking to my Daddy as if he were standing right in front of me.

I stared directly into his eyes. The words exploded out of my mouth like a bottle of coke that has been shaken with brutal force and the cap removed. "How could you do that to me?" I screamed, releasing most of the anger that had been bottled up inside of me for years. "You just suddenly leave without saying a word, not even a simple goodbye!" "You didn't even tell me you loved me!" I raged. "Do you realize the disappointment you caused that little girl you left behind, when her Daddy never showed up on her birthday, or for Christmas, or any other special time, for that matter?" I wanted him to acknowledge the pain his desertion had caused me. "Do you even want to know the hell I want through after you left?" "Before you slipped into your peaceful world of the afterlife, did you even think about this little girl you were leaving behind, and what her life would be like growing up in this cruel world, with no daddy to keep her safe!" "Did you care that I would have to fend for myself, against the monsters, who use every opportunity they possibly can to take advantage, and ultimately destroy the lives of their victims?" "Did it even cross your mind, that maybe your daughter was too young to protect herself from these monsters?" I now had my hands over my face, trying to conceal the tears of my shattered childhood. "I needed you to be there for me." I sobbed. "That's what daddies are supposed to do." "Why weren't you there?" "You just should have been there." I wept with the last ounce of energy I had left in my soul.

My questions always remain unanswered as I snap back into reality. Deep down in the back of my mind, I guess I have always known that my Daddy probably did not have a choice. I assume the good lord just felt he needed my Daddy more than I did, and maybe Daddy doesn't deserve all of my anger.

Learn more about this author, The Oley School.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.