by Derrick Bright

Created on: July 13, 2008

If it were up to me, I would probably go live in a cave with my wife and daughter. The reason? Besides the high gas prices? Family. Now I am not talking about your run-of-the-mill family. I am not talking about my wife. I am talking extended family, by marriage, twice removed. I am talking about dysfunction like it's no one's business. As it has been said, my family puts the "fun" in dysfunction. So, without further ado, here's the scoop.

Not too long ago, I had the opportunity to go out to Marie Callenders for lunch with some relatives. Let me just say, WOW. I had heard that these relatives were a little wacky at the occasional restaurant get-togethers.

OK, these are the type that you want to go back and tell the cooks that you are not with them so they don't spit in your food, also. Because you know it happens, regularly.

Now I understand this seems very callous of me, and these folks have never done me wrong. I only hear the stories from my wife. They seem to be good people in the general sense. Now here's a few of the things that make you want to crawl under the table.

Anyway, some of the gems that were spoken or done:

Snapping fingers to get the waiters attention

Complaining about the food several times.

Loading up a plate with "free muffins" from the "buffet style" salad bar.

Bonus: Placing them in front of a now embarrassed father-in-law just in time for the waitress to see a pile of 5 or 6 mufifns on his plate.

Extra bonus: Asking the waitress for a take-home box to put muffins in.

Cherry on top: When waitress responds that they can't give him a box (because you're not supposed to take any home), he tells her "well, then give me a bag."

When crying toddler shows up near the end of our meal and cries fairly loudly, wondering aloud (and nearly as loudly) if the child could cry any louder. It could.

It is important to realize that this could only happen in the movies, because these people are not real. Not only are they real, but they are, for better or worse, family. I still want to go live in a cave because it would be easier than to admit these folks are relatives. Extended, and by marriage, of course. Here's to being nice to those serving our food and strange relatives (If you don't have any, start a tradition-Be the one people talk about). Cheers!

"The most wasted of all days is one without laughter." E.E. Cummings

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