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skills on the ice. The brokenhearted Roanoke is now too distraught to play, and in a desperate effort to save the team, the owner, Jane Bullard (Jessica Alba), and the coach, Punch Cherkov (Verne Troyer), decide to hire a guru. Not just any guru, however, but Guru Pitka (Mike Myers); the "love" guru. Born in America, Pitka traveled to India as a boy with his parents, and upon his arrival decided that he wanted to become the greatest guru in the world. The reason? The same reason teenage boys do most things; "so girls will like me". He is told that he cannot love women until he learns to love himself, and is forced to wear a chastity belt. Blah blah blah, he goes and helps Roanoke get Prudence back and win the cup, falls in love with Jane, chants "Mariska Hargitay" a bunch of times, and wears a really fake beard. Are you bored yet?

There are so many horrible things about this movie to touch on that I really don't even know where to begin. Let's start with the over-abundance of bad sex jokes. I mean, really bad sex jokes. Like, "I didn't even crack a smile" bad. Almost everyone's name is a sexual innuendo, which was funny in "Austin Powers", but it's gotten old at this point. Seriously, Guru Tuggin-my-pudha? Guru Satcha-big-knoba? Coach Cherkov (jerk-off)? Jacques "La Coq" Grande? Need I go on? It was just ridiculous. Yeah, we get it, talking about penises is funny, but only when well executed and not that much. It gets really old, really fast. The "Love Guru" himself makes a bunch of ridiculous sex jokes that might get some laughs out of pre-teen boys in junior high, and there's a scene of elephants having sex on the ice during the last eight seconds of the last playoff game (yes, I'm serious). This, for some reason is what triggers Roanoke to make the winning goal. Yeah, really. It's just never ending, and it never gets funny. It's like getting hit in the face over and over again with a shovel. A big, stupid shovel wielded by Mike Myers and probably shaped like a penis.

The characters are poorly developed as well. Myers is known for creating unique personalities, but Guru Pitka seems more like a bad ripoff of Austin Powers than anything else. He has an Indian accent 90% of the time, but sometimes it drops. He's an idiot, but everyone things he's insanely wise. His character just makes no sense, is poorly constructed, and is well, stupid. I think the point was for him to be a lovable idiot or something, but uh, try a little harder next time Mike Myers. Justin

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