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A sad and sometimes unjust fact of life is that people change: Hearts change, feelings change. Sometimes circumstances change the way that we feel, sometimes it is another influence from deep within ourselves. When this happens between two people in a close relationship the result can be wrenching. You may love someone very much but still discover that you have to let them go.

When you hear people say that they drifted apart, do you sometimes wonder about the truth of that circumstance? Wouldn't it be wonderful if you had the exact same feelings at the same time, and just went gently, politely on your way? What I usually see happening is an imbalance of love. When two people love each other very much, their imbalances measure out over time. It is the rubber band theory: One moves away and springs back and then the other moves away and springs back again. Their relationship has elasticity enough to last.

But you will find yourself in other circumstances throughout a lifetime of relationships. Sometimes someone loves you more than you can love them back. This is painful, and there is guilt and shame. I have heard people say they would rather be dumped than do the dumping. I guess I can understand this perspective, however, I tend to feel those people have never been on the business end of unrequited love.

Love in the early stages is still part infatuation, part crush. Over time you grow together. There is usually a period of intense closeness when an exchange of communication is established. People will refer to their loved one as their 'best friend'. If you can keep your best friend for life, you are one of the lucky ones.

Sometimes it happens that you lose your best friend. They may pull away or grow distant. If this is after years of being close it can cause terrible panic in the other person's heart. You look to find the flaw, you try and discover what you've done. You attempt to talk about it, for this is the person you have always talked things over with, the one you trust to be there. If the feeling is mere insecurity on your part, they will reassure you. They will talk about the cause of the change and you will be close again. If they have truly pulled away, they will be impatient. They will not want to talk about their feelings, they will not want to spend time with you; they will not want any intimacies established between you. You will start to look for signs of their lack of feeling and concern. You will find the signs. They will blame you, saying your insecurity is the reason for their behavior and push away even more. You may try for a long time to reach them, maybe frantically at the height of the conflict, maybe passively, waiting to see if they'll talk on their own. As time passes you will get used to not talking to them, you will get used to their disappearing acts. There will come a day when your faith in the person you love gives way, and you stop holding on.

A person trying to hold a love together rarely gets the credit for the bravery they show while their confidence is waning. There is no way to explain how difficult it is to be in love with someone who does not love you back; who changed one day while you weren't looking. If you see the signs, there is no really great advice to give except: Retain your dignity. Make every effort your heart needs to make to keep the faith, but when you know that there is no hope, keep your head held high. Take good care of yourself. Understand that it was nothing you did or failed to do. There is nothing to help it when someone breaks the faith with you. Hard though it seems to believe, life gets better and you will, eventually, find the strength to be loved again.

Learn more about this author, Alissa King.
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