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idea for our next movie. How about if the Hatfields and McCoys have a barn dance orgy together?

Of course, you just can't have an Adam Sandler movie without gratuitous flatulence, junior high sex jokes and, just maybe, kick-'em-in-the-crotch situations only Jesse Jackson could dream up. In one plot situation, Zohan the hairdresser has yukky sex in the back room with his little old lady customers. To me, this was inexcusable copycat sacrilege. Max Biolystok did it with more panache in "The Producers," and you sympathize with his reasons to do it. Also, with the super-hot shop owner Dalia willing to dally with Zohan, why did he need to spread his love around?

Of course, there has to be another impossible coincidence. Salim, a nutcase Arab cabdriver (are there any other kind in NYC?) spots Zohan as a former Israeli enemy from the past, and wants to kill him. By that time in the film, I was beginning to hope it would happen quickly so that I could get up and go home. However, unfortunately Zohan and Salim get together to fight in a common cause.

In the light of new events and a very heavy-handed political agenda, the cabbie and the loving Jewish and Arab neighbors band together to thwart a cruel landlord who wants to tear down their homes and build an ugly mall (is there any other kind anywhere?). The bad guy, who looks and talks suspiciously like The Donald, uses all kinds of dastardly deeds to get his evil way.

The ending consists of more sophomoric sex jokes and Sandler's patented deer-in-the-headlights blank stare, his awful accent and a distasteful script that could have been typed by a stadium full of monkeys on iMacs and crack cocaine. It becomes a mish-mash of political correctness and love-ins, featuring a parade of guest appearances by every actor who has made a movie, music DVD and/or has been to rehab within the past year.

Learn more about this author, Ted Sherman.
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