by Alfred Nylund

Created on: January 03, 2007   Last Updated: April 23, 2007

The secret to avoiding communication disasters in your marriage is NEVER to assume anything.

An assumption in a conversation is where the communication train jumps the tracks. What so often happens in a relationship is that each party assumes that the other person shares his or her perspective on a situation. When we make unthinking assumptions and act accordingly, misunderstandings are compounded, and before you know it there's a real problem.

So politely take a pause during an argument, and ask for a clarification. Set forth what you've understood your partner to mean and ask if you're correct. Often, this simple step will resolve a conflict in the blink of an eye.

One thing to be careful of, however, is to make sure that when you pasue to ask for clarification you avoid making the other person feel stupid. Don't make it seem as though you need clarification because the other person is being unclear; make it clear that you need clarification because you're having a difficult time understanding.

Start with, "I'm having a difficult time understanding what you mean when you say..."

Or, "When you said [blank], I took you to mean [thus]. Was I correct in my assumption?"

When you clearly define all elements of a discussion and ask for clarification with patience and humility, you're sure to reach a fruitful conclusion to the issue, without the least sign of a communication disaster!

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