by Jeffrey Jason Hill

Created on: July 11, 2008

Oh, if only it were so easy for the person with bipolar disorder to break out of their cycles and live a normal life.

Ah, but that hasn't been your experience, has it? I didn't think so.

Bipolar disorder truly is a disorder of the moods. And mood is everything to the person suffering from the illness. Especially when combined with chemical dependence.

It determines whether he will feel like blaming others or start taking responsibility for his own choices. It determines whether he will forgive himself for getting himself fired from the best job he's ever had, he thinks, and whether he will summon the courage to find a new one to feed his family. It determines whether he will spend time with the children that day, or, as per usual, hide in another part of the house doing the "bad thing," as the long-suffering wife who has watched him self-medicate with illegal substances for years calls it. If he is being treated, his mood on any given day will determine whether he pops more pills than he should that day to deal with his "breakthrough" depression, which in turn will determine whether he will be able to function as the combination of said greater dosage makes him virtually unconscious.

It determines whether he will have normal relations with his spouse or if he'll continue to struggle with his addiction to online pornography, aggravated by his illegal vices which lower his inhibitions. It determines whether he will sulk around his wife and kids, drenched in the guilt of his private shame, unable even to look his wife in the eye because now he has no energy for her. For the bipolar addict is ever seeking chemical stability. He is happy to finally be under treatment.

But the treatment's not enough. Inevitably, the prescribed medications will seem to fail him. When the chemical stability the addict craves doesn't come, they may first take greater dosages of their medication. Twice the daily dose of the antidepressant. When that doesn't work, they will return to their old vices.

Now then, his mood on any given day will determine if he will respond from downstairs to his daughter's pleadings that she wants her "Da-da," or if he'll ignore her and continue whatever idle pleasures he is engaged in. It will determine whether he slams the door on his mother as she comes by to see him face to face for the first time in weeks, as she's dropping off (at least trying to) a Father's Day gift. It will determine whether he curses at her loud enough for the neighbors to hear, blaming her for doing (when he was growing up) the same illegal drugs he does now. It will determine whether he will take action to secure his family's much-needed food stamp benefits or whether he will sit back, escape from his problems again, and do nothing. It will determine whether he makes his spouse wait on him hand and foot, while he lifts not a finger to make her life more comfortable.

And it will determine whether he makes her spend hours, countless hundreds of them, locked away with the kids in a separate room over the years while he labors over the fifth draft of a fledgling manuscript that will never be published. He will always be seeking that chemical stability, with or without treatment. Given the inadequacy of the city-provided services and his own lack of will to improve himself, it is unlikely he will get better. Another unfortunate result of his financial situation. Without health insurance, he doesn't have access to the counseling/therapy he so desperately needs.

And, as always, he and his family will have to depend upon the grace of God, since it is unlikely they will be able to depend upon him.

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