by Marianne Lange

Created on: July 11, 2008

I believe it is easier to stay, but it is not right nor is it my advice to do so. After twenty eight years of marriage, I walked away. This has been the hardest year of my life.

The status quo often is the easier path, the path of least resistance. Many times I would strongly wonder why people I observed would stay in abusive, violent relationships. Yet, 13 years into my marriage my husband started drinking. He was depressed a great deal of the time and angry. Though not initially violent, he was definitely angry and as most alcoholics had significant control issues. I spent a lot of time tip toeing around and encouraging my children to do likewise. The drinking and verbal abuse escalated until a point was reached when I questioned my physical safety and the safety of my daughter. I walked. That was fifteen years after his drinking began, fifteen years.

I couldn't even comprehend leaving. To me there were moral issues. We tried counselors, AA but success was not lasting and episodes grew worse. I still couldn't imagine leaving. Truthfully, it wasn't even a thought. Though he would not admit it, I changed. I overlooked, put up with the temper and the drinking bouts; I didn't fight with him. I tried to be that perfect wife but no matter what, leaving wasn't an option.

I have come to believe that it's so complicated and we become so blind to the extent of damage done, we just keep going. It's easier and less of a financial burden. Even when you have a good job, leaving takes planning and continuous, daily work.

The year that ensued was nothing short of tormenting. I, in lighter moments, called the divorce process "My Second Job." Lawyers, accountants, banks, insurance companies and the list goes on. One tactic my husband used was calling me when he was drinking; sometimes, he would call a dozen times in a row and just rail at me over one thing or another.

He moved in with another woman; I was to blame according to him. That left me with the sale of our home; real estate agents were added to the list. I carried the cost of two living situations. The home required upkeep, mowing, repairs and more. I stayed there for a while after he left, but it was too much. It was out in the country; periodically, he would show up in the middle of the night, railing. I couldn't stand it and left again,; this time for good.

Every day is an effort. No day goes by without my thinking about the situation and how it could possibly have happened. I just spelled it all out; you think it would be a breeze, welcomed, but it is not. No matter what he did to me, it's a heartbreak to leave him; that turns to anger with all the responsibilities. Some days there's no momentum and I relate to all the women who choose to stay, those who can't seem to move or do what others would think is the obvious thing. I use to be one of those people who would judge and question others. The one good thing that comes out of a situation such as this one is you have more compassion for others; there's an understanding about the gray matter that comes with choices. It may seem obvious, easy to leave but it's not. It's an overwhelming and fearful path to choose. Everything is uphill, everything and that's why so many stay in abusive, violent relationships.

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