When you ask if it is easier to stay or go..you are really asking is it harder to leave, or stay.
I left, and believe me, it would have been far easier to stay. I look back on what happened to me after I left, and it would have been easier to stay. The outcome might not have been very pleasant, but it would have been easier.
So you leave. Whether you're male or female doesn't matter if you're a victim of family violence, you're being abused. So, you leave. You gather your kids, try to scrounge up all the important papers of your life driver's license, birth certificates, immunization records, social security cards and you leave. Twenty minutes later, your "new" ex calls the home you shared. SNAP, you're not there and the violent one goes crazy.
Surprise. Now the police are looking for you. Guess what? You don't have custody papers for those kids, and their other parent has equal rights to them at this point, and if you don't allow him or her to see them, you may be going to jail. You're smart, though. You know if you take the kids back, you'll never see them again without years of court battles. So, for now, you thank the nice officer and promise to return the kids, as soon as they go to McDonald's for a burger.
Instead, you take them to your mom's/sister's/cousin's/brother's house. Surprise again. Now THEY are getting threatening calls. The police are knocking on the door, telling them that if they have your kids and don't return them to the parent who wants them and has rights, THEY may go to jail. You stay up all night, worried; your brother sits up all night with his gun.
Even so, when you go to the car to go to court to get a restraining order and temporary custody, all the tires are flat. Clearly, they've been sliced. Well, surprise, surpriseof course we have NO CLUE who did that, now do we?
Your brother takes you to the courthouse, where you will file for a restraining order. SURPRISE. You produce your ID to get the paper notarized the clerk says "hold on a sec" and the officer steps up behind you. "Come right this way". You look frantically at your brother and he gets out his cell phone, ready for whatever is about to happen. Yup, you've been served. Your new ex got here first gee, that delay with the tires worked and there's a restraining order against you. The officer wants to know where the kids are: your ex has been given temporary custody and they're going to dispatch someone to go with you and get the kids for your ex. Not to worry: you'll get a full hearing in 10 days, and by the way, better get an attorney because what you say in court can and will be used against you.
So your kids are crying and shrieking as you hand them over. "It's only for a few days. You'll have FUN" you say as your heart is sinking. "Be good, and help out." You're thinking to yourself PLEASE be good, so you don't get hurt. Your ex shows up as the kids are screaming. You hear them tell the officer, "Just look at these poor kidsthey've clearly been turned against me. I didn't believe in Parental Alienation Syndrome, until I saw what's been done to my kids."
Your ex takes the kids away, and the officer reminds you to get in touch with Social Services, so they can hear your side of the story. WHAT? Turns out your ex says that you were abusing the kids..one of the reasons the court won't allow you to visit them until the final hearing!
The officer tells you that the police will go with you to get a few things from the family home, which your ex now has possession of. But, of course, they want to wait until the kids aren't there, no need to worry the little ones.
It's three days before your ex lets the police know he's taking the kids to the counselor (to get help, don't you know, to get over the trauma) and you can pick up the things that have thoughtfully been packed for you. You go with an officer to pick up "your" stuff and discover that you are now the proud owner of four pairs of sweat shorts, a sweat shirt, two torn T-shirts and three unmatched shoes. The officers tell you to work it out in court.'
When you get to work, you're called in to discuss the restraining order against you; a copy's been filed with your employer and your ex's attorney notified them that if you use their phone to call your ex, they'll be held liable. Your job warns you that this is not part of the image they uphold, and by the way, what is the MATTER with you, go get dressed appropriately. You call your brother (maybe he can lend you a few bucks to get some clothes) and ask him to pick you up.
Newly attired in thrift store finery, you arrive back at work with your brother, in his 98 Jeep with all the fast food wrappers blowing around. Hey, you're just glad to BE back at work. At least, you WERE back at work.now you're handcuffed, because your ex's friend says they saw YOU leave a black silk rose on his front door with a typed note that says "you have to sleep sometime."
Your boss says not to let the door hit you on the ass on the way out and to call when you're out of jail and they'll pack your things and bring them out of the building to you.
So now, you are homeless, jobless, childless, spouseless, broke, and a step away from never being able to hold certain jobs again in your life. Social services thinks you're an ogre. In a few days, you'll go to court and the judge will decide who was violent, who wasn't and who gets the house and the kids while all this works its way through family court.
Because they're worried about the children, and your ex has thoughtfully had them entered into counseling and opened the social services investigation, its unlikely you will ever hold the position in your family that you once held. Male or female, chances are that you now will see your kids occasionally every other weekend, maybe but only if social services agrees your ex will get the family home to provide stability' for the kids, and you will be providing the greater financial support, because your ex has to be there to pick up the pieces' for the kids. You, on the other hand, are now living in your brother's basement and working in WalMart because no one in your previous field will hire someone who is abusive.
All righty then.
Would it have been easier to stay? You betcha. Being hit, being called 200 times a day, having every moment of your day controlled by someone inside your home is far easier than having it controlled by someone outside your home. Once they have that restraining order, you are a sitting duck. They can follow you, go into the same restaurant, sit down, and wait for you to pass them on the way out. SURPRISE. If you don't get a real savvy policeman, you're on your way to lock-up.
I've seen these scenarios happen over, and over, and over with my friends. Some men, some women it doesn't matter. If you're married to a real nutcase, someone who is charming and caring and an absolute manipulator and liar you are far safer to stay. It is easier to stay.
In fact, your chances of survival are GREATER if you stay, and the outcome for your children is better.
Stay..As they say, better the enemy you know, than the one you don't.