by Vannase Cary

Created on: July 10, 2008

Building self-esteem is not an easy task when you have lived in 37 foster homes had your head rammed through a wash machine window and been molested by the foster fathers that were suppose to protect you.

I was the youngest of 10. My mother died when I was born and the only real mother I knew was spilt up between my grandmother my 6 year old sister and my 5 year old sister. The oldest 5 were my mothers children by a previous marriage and went back to their father after her death.

It seemed that I was the blame for the family problems according to my Aunt that my daddy left us with, and for the longest, we all thought she had given us up because of him. However, after her death I found out that it was not that way at all.

The only way I feel comfortable even talking to people about my life any more is on paper because I can tell the truth and no one can stop me or tell me to let it go. I am tried of hearing that at times when I suffer from PTSD and have flashes backs that send me into rages.

I have gotten a handle on them most of the time I do not flip out or go off as I used to on people. I only do it when under extreme pressure and stress. It has come to a point I want to change my life and move on. I no longer want to hold on to the pass and I am building up my self-esteem.

I am learning what it takes to let go of some of the things that have held me back in life and the only thing that seems to keep me from moving farther is the one thing that I really have the hardest time to let go of.

The ramming of my head into the wash machine when I was just 11 years old caused that medical condition. Of all the things that I have had to face in life I have been able to overcome ever thing the molestation the abuse but the fact that the county in which I lived let this family get away with what they did to me and let them keep my sister there.

Now for the rest of my life I have to suffer with these flare ups that I have to be very watchful of how I let thing affect me. I stay away from things that can cause me to explode or set me into motion for an explosion. It is not always easy to do most of those that live around love me do not even understand what is happening when I go off or even why.

My life has been consumed with trying to find answers to why I do what I do. I have found those answers as much as I do not like them and hate to admit them. The line that life is not fair is not really quit aureate for me I always felt it was more never fair to me.

Nonetheless, when I

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