by Cicely Richard

Created on: July 10, 2008

The older I get, the more I feel that smaller groups of friend are better. We spend a lot of our early life wanting to be a part of something big, that we get lost somewhere in the process. It all starts when our parents make us play with a certain group of children and restrict others. These play dates are not our choices, but based on whether or not our parents like the other kids parents. This early idea of the importance of being part of a crowd sticks with us for a long time. This general idea follows us into our teen years.

When I was a teenager, it was all about collecting as many friends as possible. For the most part, these individuals proved to be anything other than true friends. I think as teens, we are so hell bent on not being left out that we amass as many people as we can in our lives to give us some kind of identity. Oftentimes, some of these people hurt us rather than help us. I can't count the number of times I thought someone was my friend as a teen and found out that they really didn't like me. Sadly, I, like many people, hold on to that person into adulthood.

In my early 20s, it was about the same pattern of friendship, although not as bad as it was in my teens. I attended a lot of parties given by and attend by my so-called friends. Usually, that was the only common ground we shared. Once the parties were over, however, I never saw these people again. It was usually less than 10 people in that social group that I maintained a bond with once the music stopped and everyone went home. But, at social events, it didn't seem right unless people were bursting out of the seams. My mindset began to change in my late 20s.

By the time I was approaching 30, I began to reevaluate some of my connections with people. I started seeing people for what they really were. I began to ask myself, Will this person that I'm hanging onto be there when I need them? Over the years, how has this person made me feel, positive or negative? Have they grown as we've gotten older or are they stuck in a moment in time and unwilling to have a real, honest adult friendship? After I tested this question with a number of people, I had to go through a weeding process and let go of some people. The best payoff is that in my mid-thirties, I have a handful of friends, some that even surprise me, that I can count on, that will be there for me without making lame excuses. One of my friends lives in another state, but we know we will be there for one another as long as we are alive. We have passed through the fire together intact.

Learn more about this author, Cicely Richard.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.