December 21, 2009
Dear Santa,
Chief Mechanic Jasper here. I have some good news and some bad news about the sleigh. After sitting at my desk for the past twenty minutes trying to figure out how to tell you this, and also after consulting some of the other elves, I decided that you should know all the possible outcomes of our current situation.
In a nutshell, here's what happened:
One evening last October, Comet (whom we all know is usually quite proud of his flying speed) comes up to me and says that he's been feeling sluggish the past few years and that he needs some help pulling the sleigh. And for Comet to overcome his ego and admit this is no small matter, believe me.
So I polled the rest of the reindeer and they all seemed to agree that the sleigh's increasing annual load (thanks to more and more kids all over the world) has almost reached the breaking point, especially with all those extras you and Mrs. Claus insist on keeping onboard. Think about it: The electronic stability control system, the Garmin Bluetooth GPS, the worldwide language translator, the aeronautical safety lights, the automatic hot cocoa maker, the extra blankets, etc. All that stuff adds up, you know.
Even with the new reindeer diet and workout regimen you adopted, most of them pretty much said "Too little, too late." Rudy cast the only neutral vote, which is understandable, since he's still relatively young and doesn't mind a bit of a challenge. However, all the other reindeer are at the end of their rope and are very close to demanding help.
I'm sorry to tell you this, Santa, but the time has come: Nine tiny reindeer can no longer easily haul that huge monstrosity of a sleigh. Even with your Christmas magic, they're getting older, and our three best flyers (Comet, Dasher, and Dancer) just aren't what they used to be. In fact, Dasher almost threw his back out last year. Something has to be done.
So, with my help, Blitzen (our house technophile) did some Internet research and found what he believed was (and still could be) the answer to their sleigh-pulling dilemma: A small engine. I agreed, knowing exactly how I could install it to give the reindeer the help they need without overpowering them.
At this point, you're probably either laughing or frowning. I know you like to keep tabs on everything that goes on here, but we didn't tell you because we all thought this would be a wonderful surprise Christmas gift for you (as well as the reindeer). If done right, it would make your annual Christmas Eve trip much more manageable and enjoyable.
Well, that was the good news, but this letter exists because of the bad news. We ordered a small piston aircraft engine from AeroNaviTekTronix Corporation, Ltd., which took six weeks to get here. (FedEx, which obviously doesn't ship to the North Pole, kept the package at their closest available holding point for pick up. I had to get to Thule, Greenland three days after delivery to avoid a "Return To Sender" shipment!)
As it happened, I finally got the engine up here, installed it, and began testing. Everything seemed fine and I've been happily tweaking its performance over the last few weeks. Then this morning I got an email from ANTT Corporation - they are recalling the engine because of faulty manufacturing! Without going into details, I can say that they ordered the recall because the crankshaft metal casting is bad and could crack. Not a good thing to happen during flight.
That pretty much brings us up to date. In short, Santa, your flying options are quite limited.
Your sleigh is currently out of commission while this bad engine remains inside it, but the reindeer absolutely refuse to go up again without assistance. Their physical therapist, Sam, recommends using all nine reindeer, or none at all. Any less, and the take-off alone will likely cause pulled muscles or worse.
One thought: Perhaps the young ones might be able to help? Prancer's little boy, Ethan, and Blitzen's little girl, Cordelia, are over halfway through the F.R.I.T. (Flying Reindeer In Training) course. I would add Cupid's child to the list, too, but Dweezil scares me. Your call.
I realize that I am partly to blame for you not knowing the status of things, and I will take whatever punishment you dole out. However, with the situation being rather dire at the moment, we're all hoping that you can think of a way out of this mess in time.
Most Sincerely,
Jasper Elf