by Tomira L. Rosser

Created on: July 08, 2008

Letting Go

My legs quivered as I made the journey down the long dark hallway to see my grandfather. Little did I know that this would be the last time that I would see him alive. I don't know, maybe in my heart I knew it would be, but my mind would not allow me to face that reality. The hallway seemed to be a mile long. It didn't seem this long before. As I neared his room, I felt my heart quicken, and I felt dizzy. I was afraid. I was afraid to face him. I touched the door and it felt hot. Or was it me? I'm sure it was me, because by now, my blood pumped wildly through my veins. I could feel the adrenaline taking over my body as I pushed open the door.

And there he was. He was so frail and sick. Plastic hospital I.D. tags and blood filled I.V. tubes now replaced his faithful Timex watch and herringbone bracelet. His thick and radiant salt and pepper black hair was now no more than a string or two, here and there. I looked over at my aunt and she said, "Go ahead and talk to him, he can hear you."

Great, I thought. And he could also hear the muffled sobs coming out from my throat. I tried to catch them, but there was no use. I sat down quietly at his side. There was always my favorite place to be. Being beside my grandfather, I felt strong and courageous. But now, I felt weak and helpless. I touched his forehead.

"Hey Grandpa, it's me," I whispered. Tears flowed down my face as I tried to suppress my sorrow. I was also angry. I was angry at the leukemia which had reduced my physically powerful grandfather down to a fragile shell of a being. But although, he had no strength he still had the hope that burned in his heart. I know he was afraid of dying, but I didn't want him to be.

His eyes moved. Although he was in a coma, he heard me. And he tried to respond to me. In that very moment, the gloom lifted from my heart. I kissed him lightly on the forehead and said, "Don't be afraid. I'm not. Just go on to sleep." I knew he understood what I meant. Going to sleep meant falling asleep in death. Which is what we all do when our time is finished.

I told him that I loved him one last time, and then I left him. He died later that night.
-
Now when I think back on that day, I am happy that I decided to go and visit him in the hospital. I had been contemplating skipping the visit, but I know I would have never forgiven myself. I wanted to make sure that if he knew he was going to die, that he wouldn't be afraid. I know I will see him again, and that is what gives me hope.

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