by Pam From Hell

Created on: July 08, 2008

I've learned a bit about Southern English from living in various suburbs of Atlanta for more than 20 years. Originally from Michigan, that makes me officially a "Damn Yankee" (definition: a Yankee who STAYED).

One of the first things I had to learn was to stop speaking so fast because people kept saying, "Slow down girl, my head's startin' to hurt from tryin' to keep up!" Now I find my words are nicely paced and slow enough for even the most tripped out crack head to understand. It's like they say, "If you can't run with the big dawgs, stay on the porch." And yes, it's "dawgs" not "dogs."

One of the reasons people speak slower in the South is the heat. It's so damn hot from May to November that speaking quickly just heats you up too much. That drawl just helps to slow and cool things down. Everyone moves slow and talks slow. No need to get all heated up over nothing.

When things are going well, they are "fine as frogs' hair."

If someone gets quite hungry, they're like a "duck on a June bug" or a "hobo on a ham sandwich."

Instead of "pushing" buttons on a telephone or cell phone, in the South they "mash" the buttons.

"Mashed potatoes" are different than "smashed" (much like the sweet and demure Southern Belle sitting next to you).

It's not "rainin' cats and dogs" in the South; it's "rainin' bullfrogs."

Get ready to "grit" your teeth, because "grits and gravy", "cheese and grits with hot sauce", "grits and shrimp with hot sauce", "grits and butter with hot sauce" are mainstays of life in the South.

"Macaroni and cheese" is not an entre, it's considered a vegetable.

"Stripper" is not something to take the finish off of furniture, it is an occupation.

If something is a waste of time its like "pissing up a rope."

Someone less than attractive has a face like a "bag of cats."

Southerners can add and omit letters at their discretion, such as "I went to Wal-Marts and K-Marts to get some clothes" and "Jimmy, quit playing possum right now!"

Getting ready to go out in the South is to get "All gussied up" and formal attire generally means having to wear something uncomfortable. Or that you're going to be carrying a casket.

Driving in the South brings an entirely new meaning to the word "mosey." Scenic, winding, back roads are perfect for farmers driving their favorite tractors to back up traffic for miles while they "mosey" down the road oblivious to the hoards behind them.

Entrance ramps have now been named "lollygag lanes" since Southerners have perfected merging at a snails pace into traffic speeding at 75 miles per hour.

The best part about Southern English is that if you don't want to learn it, you can always go back to where you came from and take the little Southernisms with you, just for "sh-ts and giggles."

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