by Melissa Charles

Created on: July 08, 2008

Children are not, nor should they ever be, a retirement plan.

Too many families struggle in today's society just under the day to day events of bill paying and child rearing. To add in an elderly parent can spell disaster.

I've heard the rallying cries of, "They took care of you!" A lovely sentiment, but doesn't hold up in harsh reality.

I've worked in both nursing homes and home care. I've seen first hand families blow up under the stress and strain of caring for an elderly parent. Truly, stop and think about what's actually needed to care for an elderly parent.

First off, their needs grow with time, not diminish. Whereas a newborn is completely dependant and with time grows to become independent, the exact opposite is true with the elderly. It truly does become a 24 hour a day commitment. If you're lucky, you may get home care in your area...assuming that you can afford it, or that your government or insurance health package provides you with some hours. Its physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting. It can also be dangerous, especially with those who have issues with dementia. They can become very physically aggressive, without warning. They can leave a stove on, wander out into the winter night...there's a multitude of issues that go into caring for an elderly relative far beyond the sentimental. Few families are prepared for the massive, non stop undertaking that caring for a parent truly is.

Parents with children still at home, especially young children are in a difficult position. How is it fair to demand or expect that they take in an elderly parent when they're already busy with an infant or toddler? Is it fair to expect them to take time, energy and financial resources away from their child to give to the parent? What kind of childhood does it give when a child's home is turned into a nursing facility? As a mother who has a toddler and preschooler and older child in the house, my home is a cacophony of music, laughter, tears, shrieking, stampeding feet, crashing toys, slamming doors...in short, a typical lively house hold. To expect someone in their eighties to cope in that environment is nothing short of cruelty, and to expect my children's lives to stop and turn on a dime to accommodate the sensitivities and needs of an elderly person is just as cruel.

Another consideration, that some may call selfish, but is a human need...time away. With children, you can get a babysitter, and steal a few hours of peace with your spouse or alone. Time to just be you, not a parent. With an elderly parent, you cannot arrange for a sitter in the same manner. You may be able to arrange for home care, but having worked in that field, I can honestly say that home care hours are scarce on the ground. Many families were entitled to hours that there simply weren't enough providers available to fill. The stress and burnout I witnessed in these families were terrifying.

The realities of caring for an elderly relative that I witnessed was enough to convince me that its something I cannot undertake. Perhaps my view will change as my children grow and become more independent, but I honestly doubt it.

I don't want my children caring for me, either. I want them to live their own lives, and not be burdened with caring for me. I'm selfish enough to want them to mourn me when I die, and not feel a sense of relief or freedom at no longer being tied down to my care.

There is a difference between wanting to care for your parent, and being expected or responsible to do so. To expect or demand that an adult child give up their lives, to impact the lives of their grandchildren to such a profound extent is incredibly selfish.

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