Grief is something that we typically don't want to talk about, unless we've been touched by it so profoundly that we cannot ignore it. We live in a world in which smallpox, diphtheria and polio have been all but eradicated. The infant mortality rate is 1 in 10,000. Death and tragedy are not such regular visitors among families as they were 100 years ago.

So when something happens that is tragic, we are taken a bit off guard. We watch television shows in which the grief-stricken "get over it" in one or two one hour episodes. The pain of slogging through all seven stages is never realistically depicted. So, in essence, we are all thrown into unfamiliar territory when it's time to grieve.

Yet, grief is a reality, and in order to become fully functional and truly self-actualized, we must learn to flow with it and, more painfully, move through it.

And, this is critical, the flowing, the accepting. Swimming against the tide, kicking against the goads, are all initial "fight or flight" responses we undergo when first faced with loss. But, continuing to do this (which is a form of denial) is to use up precious energy, energy that would be better put to use fully grieving, thus healing ourselves.

Life, for the most part, is a succession of losses. Although we gain much as we pass through one stage of life to the next, we also lose some things. As our children pass from the preschool phase into elementary school, we "lose" the innocence our children had when they were under our constant care. When they fly the nest, we lose our "parenting" status, and find our relationship with our kids transitioning, once again.

My wonderfully eclectic and artist friend Margaret lost her only child in a car accident 4 months ago. I have laughed and cried with her, as she continuously struggles with trying to cope and redefine her life. She has decided that she wants to get a tattoo, one that reminds her of what is helping her survive her grief over the loss of her son. She had to strip her life down to the bare minimum, and figure out how she could provide herself the energy necessary to deal with the pain, which continues to increase towards some sort of crest, day after day. "Eat, sleep, draw, walk. That's my credo these days," she says. That's also how her tattoo will read.

TAKING THE TIME TO GRIEVE

After 18 years of marriage, I found myself divorced several years ago. I was initially very reluctant to allow myself to fully grieve I was terrified that I would get stuck, and get so far down an emotional pit that I wouldn't be able to pull back up. A friend of mine, who is a therapist, suggested I give myself 15 minutes a day to look at old photographs, read my old journals, and cry. I "rewarded" myself with a good book after giving myself permission to hurt intensely for fifteen minutes. I found that I needn't have worried about getting "stuck", because in picking up a book after a rigorous "grief session", I was gently redirecting my thoughts to something that brought me great pleasure. To become "stuck" in grief is the result of trying to stifle it. Fully expressing it insures that we will, one day, indeed move on.

I'm not particularly thrilled with the idea of life equaling loss, but I'm learning to accept it. And, acceptance, they say, is the beginning of peace.

Learn more about this author, Rachel Stockton.
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