by Kelsey Opel

Created on: July 08, 2008

"Changes for the Better"

You'd think I'd feel some sense of relief after what had happened, but only guilt washes over then. You'd think I'd be happy to let go of the large weight that had been pulling me down up until recently, but only shame binds me as I think of those who I let down. Friends, family all wanting the best for me, but are blind to my true emotions to the subject. Am I really this terrible at revealing my feelings and thoughts to others? Most of the time I do keep them locked up inside until they bottle around and explode.

Commitment has been pushing me around for a while, laughing as I fall and bruise. But it is not a relationship commitment that's been bullying me, but rather another commitment far easier to quit. But why can't I quit? It's not the feeling of giving up and calling myself a coward - though that weighs me down too - it is a feeling much more brutal: being the shame of others around me.

Friends and family surround me with support and love for what I do, but my feelings are hidden deep down; one must reach rock bottom to find them most of the time. Why is it that I simply get myself into these situations where others seem to love what I do, while I hate? Why can't I be more open? I always strive to please others around me, but always feel guilt cloud over me when I strive to please myself. I must change; I must be more protective and true to myself. I must change now, or the situation may happen again. I must protect myself and the others I love by changing into someone where the flood cannot pass over me; I cannot let it pull me down and drown me. There must be a way.

Change is all part of growing up. Life lessons are learned to make you a different person than you were the week before. Sometimes changes happen for the better, others for the worse. No one lives a perfect life; everyone undergoes mistakes, but most importantly you must learn lessons and change the path the next time before it's too late.

I have been been making changes as well. Commitment to hate drives me, but no longer will I let it control me. I grasp it head-on and let it float away from me slowly, calling my name, trying to make me feel guilty, and it succeeded, I still feel guilty about the change that I have made. But no more will I let it tug at me; I have let it go.

Change can also make you into a completely different person. People can find themselves, or they can loose themselves. You must know who you are, or you will end up hurting your loved ones around you. They love you for who you are, don't change for anyone else but yourself. Live a life where you are proud to be who you are.

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