by Aunnah Mission

Created on: July 07, 2008   Last Updated: October 31, 2008

The day my mother confided in me that she had breast cancer was the day I thought I would surley die. I couldn't figure out for the life of me how MY mother developed such a thing. My mother is gold and genuine and sweet and wonderful all in the same breath. Breast cancer, it just didn't deserve to be in the same equation. I immediately put on my game face, I could only think of my younger sister who is a big baby and was probably wailing in a corner somewhere. My older brothers were probably on their knees right at that moment, probably what I should have been doing. My younger brother probably fell silent, you never can tell what he's thinking behind those light brown eyes of his. But me, I would be different than the rest just like always. I wouldn't cry, for there was no reason to cry. I could only thank Jesus and know that my mother would make it through yet another refining fire in her life. I too would walk on the coals with her, I felt it was my duty as her oldest and most dependant child to walk with her on this journey. I began my walk with my mother by cutting off my hair and purchasing several wigs, she wouldn't be bald and wearing a wig alone that was for sure.

My mother waited 6 month's to start her surgery and when she did the politics of medical insurance reared it's ugly head, but to no avail. We proceeded to seek out of state help, I began corresponding with the Cancer Treatment Centers Of America. It was the most blessing experience in all my life, as overwhelming as cancer and all the politics it brings about, they made it so easy. I wanted my mother to receive the best care possible, so I went with her on every trip and every appointment. My mother has been in a fog due to the affects of the chemo. Although the fog is clearing it is still cloudy.

What amazes me the most is that now that she is coming out of her fog, she doesn't know all that went on. She is unclear of alot almost like she has slept through most of this ordeal. It dosen't matter to me if she never knows the fight I put forth to save her life, to save her breast. It dosen't matter to me because I am not keeping score. Although I have other siblings, this road I have traveled alone in hopes that I could redeem myself and find my own way. In hopes that I could repay my mother for ever having me. For all the long nights she stayed up worrying about me and thinking that I would die of my own foolish behaviors. this was for all the times she rescued me from myself! How do you ever repay someone for that? You can't, you can never repay a mother for her love. As her daughter I now know this and as a mother I also know this to be very true.

I am pleased to say that we are at the stage of radiation, chemotherapy is now a thing of the past. I can't tell you how awful the side affects are but to save a life, it is worth every minute. Traveling back and forth to an oncology hospital is probably the hardest thing I ever had to do. A very spiritual experience in its self. You can be full of hope and only moments later you might have to rely soley on faith. There were many times my faith was shaken. There were many times I wanted to breakdown. There were even more times that my mother cried like a baby and I had to console her and assure her everthing would be alright. For her everything had to be. There was never a time that I was certain my mother would succumb to this dreadful disease. This was not deemed to be her death sentence. this was God's was of refining her in a worldly fire. My mother is glistening gold with kisses from God.

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