Waking up from a nap on this hot and humid Monday afternoon which should be more of a Friday considering it was my last day of work at Grant Elementary. Again, I awoke with a strange feeling of emptiness. And at that point I realized I had another dream about you. It was a really bright sunset. We were driving back from my high school for some reason although I have no recollection of anything going on there. We're on the 91 freeway and although there appears to be an abundance of cars on the freeway, we seem to be going faster than anybody there. Anyway, we're on our way back driving when I realize I forgot some clothes and my keys and wallet back at the school. So I had to go back.
For some reason we became separated in the way of you being in your own car and me being in mine. Its at this point where I get off at the nearest exit and suddenly the congestion strikes. You keep going faster on the freeway while I go slower on the off ramp. Somehow the off ramp leads right into somebody's kitchen. There's an off white linoleum floor with blue squares. The walls and the cabinets where a kind of dirty yellow color. There 3 people there. So I quickly got my stuff and that's when they offered me some drugs of some sort. I did notice some banana leaves on the table. I kindly rejected it and left knowing that you were going further and further away, which filled me with anxiety. I can't stand the thought of you being far away. That's when I woke up.
I wish I got to say goodbye. Of all the things I wish I had the courage to say, that's the only thing I would, and also its the one thing I never ever wanted to say. Over the entire 6 years that I have known you, you never ceased to amaze me. There would be times where I'd come into work feeling numb. Or sometimes nothing. Its probably what death feels like. Its just my general mind set at work. Whether I'm in the copy room or in the classroom. Its rather mundane. The work day is inevitable as is anything of even the slightest form of discomfort.
Anyway, I'd just be doing my thing un-expecting your holy presence coming right around the corner. Sometimes its from my peripheral vision that snags me like a baited hook from a fish's mouth or I just happen to be staring at the empty doorway when I catch a nanosecond glimpse of you walk by. A blur that slows down. And within that miniscule fraction of time, you give me a smile and wave fit for a first lady. Perhaps its because you're mine. And all of a sudden in an even smaller fraction of time, the stale blood and lethargic heart are powered by an overwhelming dose of adrenaline fueled by a chariot race of emotion in my body. The colors, brighter. My body, hot. Breaths, faster. My eyes, open. I feel reborn.
Every single time I behold you're gorgeous sight. The way you dress, the way you move, the way you smile, and even more intense is your beautiful laugh. You do miracles for me by doing nothing. You'd become the reason why work, even on its less admirable days, was not really work. Well, it was work, but in a different sense. I wasn't there Monday through Friday to collect a paycheck at the end of the month. It wasn't me being paid. It was my soul's desire. It was my soul being paid by hearing your laugh or feeling your touch within a conversation.
Your very friendly gestures and movements and contacts coupled with your laugh. You have no idea how much I'm going to miss you. It feels as though my heart is breaking. It's been breaking all month long. Ever since I awoke one Saturday morning with debatably the most beautiful dream I have ever had. I'm listening to the song as I write this. The heart of this dream is you. I'm walking into a somewhat tiny room. A room painted in light gray. I find you there, wearing a red button up collared blouse and jeans. Standing in a way that would fill even the great Michelangelo with doubt and self-consciousness. There's a bathroom in this room that I walked by. The door partially opened with a window giving peek to the brilliant Sun. In this room I walk in, there's a sliding door mirror closet also partially opened, but nothing inside. There's a bed in the corner sitting right behind you. Through the tenure of this seemingly 3 second dream, not a word between us is spoken. All conversation is taken in thought and understood and reacted. Telepathy. Non-consecutive, the dream is played out in little clips almost like an interactive comic strip. I walk over to you and smile at you. Part of it I'm looking at you, part of it I'm looking at myself AND you, much like an impartial audience. We communicate how we should take pictures with each other. I pull out my camera and flash. Next frame. We sit down on the bed and pull our heads in right next to one another and flash. Next frame. I communicate to take a picture where it looks like we're almost kissing and all smiles and giggles and flash. Next frame. I actually kiss you, eyes partially closed. And what made this dream the dream of all dreams, you kissed me back. YOU KISSED ME BACK. Next frame. Slowly we lie down still kissing, still in bliss. I was a captive of happiness and willfully surrendered.
Now our 6 years together are over. I can no longer awaken and look forward to gracing myself with your presence. I won't be able to have a conversation with you and crack a joke and getting a little playful slap from you and topped off with your breathtaking smile and laugh. Wherever I end up I know I'll no longer be able to sit in a room doing my job and constantly stare at the door hoping that you'll walk by and indulge me with your sight and grace me with a rush and rebirth like you always have. There's a million things I want to say and do, but also a million reasons why I shouldn't. No matter what happens today, tomorrow or a lifetime after, always know that there is somebody out there who will always be thinking of you and worshipping you and who's life you've changed forever. Due to the present circumstances, I can't express these things I feel about you. If you ever wonder what, just go beyond the borders of your imagination. Chances are they'll still be nowhere near it. Such horrid pain drowns me knowing I may very well never see you again. You've done more for me than you could ever possibly know. In spite of all this I'm revealing to you, you'll never know. You'll never read this. It doesn't even exist. But its the world to me. You always have been. You always will be much like the brilliance of the sun. You'll always shine down on me.