by Alias

Created on: July 06, 2008

I've found myself in a dilemma that has taken control of my life. I'm married to a man that had chosen abortion as an option to an unwanted pregnancy to a woman that he was with before I had met him. I understand that this is a choice that many have made and I'm not alone in this, however, he and I are unable to have children together. Whether it be life's cruel way of a karma I'll never understand or just by chance, my husband and I have been trying for 3 years to conceive and we have not been able to. I've silently blamed him for our inability. I've allowed this to spill over into other areas of my life and my insecurities.

Its wedding season and we've had more than our fair share of weddings to attend. Its also baby shower season around here and I'm getting invitations in the mail almost bi weekly. So where's the problem? Well, I'm not from this area but my husband is. I have no past here other than with one man that I had been with for almost 7 years. He no longer lives around here so its out of sight out of mind. In other words, I don't have to deal with him and neither does my husband. Well, I've been forced to relive my husbands past time and time again- not just a few of his ex girlfriends; more like all of them. He is from a small area and if he hasn't dated her, he most likely has dated her friend. So, I'm forced to see these women (sometimes not even knowing who he's been with and who he hasn't)consistently. Now its hard enough I'm having to deal with the decision he has made with the ex girlfriend that he had right before me who I've somehow made responsible for my hardship, but now I'm having to look into the faces of all the women he has been with.
I'm feeling so insecure and inadequate right now. I just wish that I didn't have to endure all of this at once and I don't know how to communicate this to him without sounding like a complete lunatic. Not being able to get pregnant has affected the way I see myself as a woman and has brought great challenges to my psyche. I must look like a fool is all I keep telling myself. I don't think that my husband was anymore "sexually active" than the next man, I'm just having to look at them all as a whole and thats making it feel excessive and overwhelming. I've even become friends with a few that I wasn't aware of the shared past between the two of them. When he does tell me I feel offended and when he doesn't tell me I feel betrayed. I've contemplated moving away from the area but is that really the fix?
Please someone tell me how to accept his past and be able to face these women with respect and dignity? It hurts me to know he's been intimate with these women. It hurts me even more to know that an abortion was the final choice to two adults who didn't want to deal with a child that was conceived out of lust and not love. I feel that everyone knows about this and is looking at me like I'm the fool. It pains me because my husband is truly a wonderful man. I adore him and would not leave his side. I just want to stay locked away so I don't have to look at his past.

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