by Rachel Stockton

Created on: July 05, 2008   Last Updated: May 21, 2009

Being a stepmother (or father) is one of the most thankless jobs on the planet, and is anything but easy. It's not a job for the faint hearted, nor is it one for the immature. I've been a stepparent for the last 6 years, and I can tell you that I've learned a lot. When you find yourself in the role of stepparent it's not the time, believe me, to kick against the goads; you will hurt your marriage, your stepchildren, and most of all, yourself if you fight some of the "inevitables." Below are some simple (but, admittedly, not always easy) ways to make your stepparenting experience positive(all suggestions work for both stepmothers and stepfathers),and yes, believe it or not, enjoyable:

1. Remember that you are the stepmother, not your stepkids' mother. This one seems obvious, but I've noticed that while many women play lip service to this realization, they don't seem to act like they get it. You are not, nor will you ever be, a primary parent of your stepkids. What does this mean? Basically, it means that you will not have much of a role when it comes to major decision making, such as where they will go to church, whether they will be home schooled, or educated in the public school system, or at what age they can start dating. This doesn't mean that you aren't entitled to your opinion, especially when asked. But, bottom line is that you won't have the last word on any of the major parenting issues.
2. Realize that as a stepparent, your primary role is that of SUPPORT for your husband. Unlike you, your spouse IS a primary parent, and whatever decisions he makes, and many of these will have to be made with his exwife, your role is to be supportive. And if you can't agree, agree to disagree, and at least put on a united front in the presence of your stepkids. Failure to do so will come back to bite you in ways you hadn't even imagined.
3. Take care of you. This one is imperative, for one simple reason: you have the responsibility of a parent when the stepkids are with you, but very little power. This is a simple fact. In order to be able to deal with this, make sure you spend time away from them when it's time for visitation. In this instance, you can benefit from not being the primary authority figure. Let your husband be a father by moving out of the way and letting him parent. One mistake I made was that I was always "available", so I ended up doing the majority of the caregiving, simply by default. By removing yourself, you will save

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