by Robin Wilder

Created on: July 05, 2008   Last Updated: November 09, 2008

Sometimes family isn't a good thing. Sometimes they may be the worse thing ever. It may not be their fault. It may be that your parents came from a messed up family and just carried on tradition. Whatever the case, I wish my family was somewhat normal. I'm so tired of feeling sorry for them. I'm so tired of feeling the need to fix them instead of myself. I feel it isn't fair for me to have a happy life if they cannot.

I try to tell myself that it isn't my problem, but they are my family. So I guess because I was born in a nut house, then I must always be committed. Their unhappiness has become my own. Their craziness has become my own. Their lack to find their own happiness has become my own. My sister is lost beyond my help, but my mother will not give up on her. I want my mother to find happiness, but I know if she continues to feel guilty for my sister's sickness then it will never happen. When I try to pull my mother away, she resents me for not caring about my sister. I care for my sister, but the sickness in her mind is only curable if she admits it and that is far from happening. The narcotics she takes to make her feel better are only making her feel worse. I've tried to talk to her, but she feels she doesn't have a problem.

My father is the smart one. He separated himself twenty five years ago. I envy and hate him at the same time. He is happy, living his own life with a new wife and only conversing with us on holidays. I've been married twice and I am currently seperated from my second husband. I'm not blaming my family for this, but in order to escape them I've made decisions quickly when I should have weighed them out. I've also had my own problems with alcohol that I battle every day. I often wonder if I had a normal family would I be struggling so hard to stay sober?

I've come to the realization that I cannot take on everyone else's problems. I have enough of my own. I need to concentrate on my happiness...But still I think of my mother who has sacrificed her happiness to try and help her children. When I was younger, I was a burden on her as well. She is my mommy. I just can't bear the thought of leaving her to pursue my dreams when we've robbed her of her own. I feel like I'm trapped in an undertow that allows me to take a breath from time to time, but also let's me know constantly that it can take me under at any time. I don't know what to do.

I think of my daughter who is now nineteen and it makes me smile. I told her constantly that I loved her, but at the same time I distanced myself just enough to let her know that she is an individual who will need to find her own way in life on her own terms, and only then will she find happiness. I try to shield her even to this day from the happenings of her misguided relatives, although I know she knows...But the difference is she knows that you have to be responsible for your own happiness. Hopefully the chain is broken and she will teach her children that you have to love your family, but you don't have to live their life for them.

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