I fight myself everyday with the thought of the woman I am now vs. the woman I would've been. My emotional abuse has been a rollercoaster all my life, and even now, I struggle to find my way out of the dark woods, I'm lost.

As a child, I was always compared to my younger sister. I was always told that I should be more like her. I was told on a couple occasions that I was stupid, and that I was a mistake. That started my low self esteem.

At the age of 10, my stepfather started molesting me. Confused, I didn't know what to do. I told my sister and stepbrother each time it happened. At the age of 12, my brother poured it out on the table to my mother. I had to tell her then. She sent me away to my father's house. My stepfather was taken to the police station where he had to take a polygraph test. He failed. My mother begged the officer to give him the test again. Second time, he passed. I learned this from my sister a few years later. I knew then, her marriage was more important than me, and it killed me just a little bit more.

Later that year, my other stepbrother arrived from the Philippines. Entering into high school, a virgin, at the age of 13, he raped me for 2 months, before my mother finding out in my diary. Again, I was sent away to live with my grandmother. My stepbrother was deported back to the Philippines, I was allowed to come back home. My stepfather's family blamed me for the rape. It was my fault. My mother spoke to me privately about it, I must have said something and it set her off. She told me I wrecked her family. She beat me until I couldn't walk or sit. The only place she didn't hit me was on my face. It was all I could cover. I felt more worthless than before. A couple months later, she told me that my stepbrother was coming back to live with us and demanded I forgive him. I would have to live with him again. I cried the day she put him in front of me and wouldn't let me go until I said, "I forgive you."

All my pain ended up growing into my relationships. I seemed to attract men that were no better than my stepfather and stepbrother. My first relationship, I found out that he made a bet with his friends that he could 'nail' me on prom night. My second, his father paid him to date me. He cheated on me all the time. He stole my magazines to jerk off to all the women in them and would tell me I should look more like those girls. He also tried hitting me a few times. I watched as a child my parents get physical with one another

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