One day the young man on the Suicide Prevention line said to me, "I am like Lady Macbeth!" When I asked him what he meant, he said, "Every time I look at my hands I say, "Out dam able spot out!" When I asked him to explain what he meant, he said, "Every time I look at my hands I see the blood!" When I asked him whose blood, he confessed it was the blood of his wife. Seven years before his wife and him had gone to a dance. His wife danced with a stranger the whole night and would not dance with him. When they got home, he beat his wife so badly that he almost kills her. She left him that night, and he never saw her again. She never reported him to the police. But his life after that was profoundly scarred and marked. He developed an obsessive compulsive disorder. He would not wash his hands in a sink because he feared being contaminated by the water running through the pipes. He had sought help through many sources but found nothing that could help him. His life was filled with toxic shame. As I listened to him that night my heart longed to help him. Calling him by name I told him he was suffering from shame but God could help him with his shame. He said to me, "Don't tell me about God, show me God!" When I asked him how I could show him God he asked me to come and take him for a hamburger. I agreed to co9me the next noon hour.
When I got to his apartment to pick him up I was shocked out of my socks. His unkempt hair hung below his waist. His beard was scraggily and hung down to his belt. His hands were covered in a number of pairs of surgical gloves, but through them I noticed his finger nails were curled like the talons of an eagle. I was so thankful that MacDonald's had a Drive Through because I am sure that we would not have been served in side the restaurant. As we sat outside in my van we talked for a couple of hours. That day my friend called on God and God begin to deal with the toxic shame in his life. It is a long story but a psychiatrist in another city agreed to take my friend on and assist him with his problem. Six months later I met the same man in another city where he was living. His hair was cropped in a brush cut style, he was cleanly shaved. He was singing in a Church choir and helping to teach a Sunday school class. He made me a cup of tea, and before making the tea he washed his hands in the kitchen sink. As I left his home that day my mind remembered the Biblical Story of Jesus delivering a man called Legion of demons. Mark 5 tells us that everyone saw the formerly possessed man sitting and fully clothed and in his right mind." Truly this was how I can describe my friend who had suffered the deep cuts of toxic shame in his life, but Praise God by His grace and love had been set free from it.
Toxic shame runs riot in our world today. Many people are affected by it the wide swath of its cutting edge. There is much confusion in the world today between Guilt and Shame. Although they are both painful experiences that effect people, there is a difference between them. Guilt has to do with what one does, while shame is really what one is. A person who feels guilty has done something that violates a law, or commandment or a principle or a standard that one holds for himself, or that society adheres to. Shame has more to do with who one really feels he or she is. The outcome of guilt is punishment, while the outcome of shame is abandonment. One who suffers from guilt says in his heart of hearts,"I have done wrong I should be punished!" But the shame based individual says is his heart of hearts," I am wrong- I am no good- no one should trust me; no one should love me; no one should have anything to do with me; I am no good! I deserve to be abandoned; I should be left alone!"
Toxic shame destroys far too many people. People who suffer the devastating effects of shame are often spiritually mutilated and cast aside. Those who are touched by toxic shame do not dream. They feel so unworthy and so unloved that they had no vision for their lives and are often unfulfilled, drifting aimless through life. Shame based people are often controlled and manipulated by others. They often appear to be very compulsive in their behavior. They give the appearance of hiding as they do not wish to be noticed in a group nor do they wish to be called on to answer questions and take part in conversations. They often feel empty, forlorn and lonely. They often feel that God has abandoned them. Shame based individuals learn how the survive, but they do not usually thrive. They appear to have so much potential and yet seldom measure up to it.
How do we heal the Shame that binds? I believe that the Lord Jesus Christ can help a shamed based individual and set them free. I could cite dozen of other stories to back up the one I told about my friend Mr. Contamination. He was suffering from Toxic Shame but Praise God he turned to Jesus Christ and was set free. Throughout my experience of helping people deal with the effects of Toxic Shame in their lives I would recommend taking these steps to deal with Toxic shame:
1. Acknowledge that you are powerless and shame is unmanageable in your life.
2. Believe that God can heal and transform your life from the effects of toxic shame.
3. Take a moral inventory of your life and ask yourself some hard questions about what you are facing. Answer the questions honestly and openly.
4. Draw near to God and let Him draw near to you. Submit to Him. Give God your shame and leave it with Him. James 4:7-8 "Submit yourself therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw nigh to God and He will draw nigh to you". Let go and let God set you free. (so often when we are shame based we never know if our loved ones are going to hug us or slug us, but when we submit to God we can be assured that He will hug us. He will love us and keep us. He says to us, "Come unto Me all you who are heavy laden and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)
5. Thank the Lord for what He has done, and is doing and will do for you. Give thanks to Him and you will be most richly blessed.
6. Continue to seek the Lord's presence. Dwell in Him and He will keep you free.
7. Reach out to help others who are suffering from toxic shame. Since you know what it is like to be shamed based reach out to others and attempt to help them. In doing so you will find your own toxic symptoms departing.
Toxic shame is destructive. But Praise God He can deliver us from its toxic effects and set us free for His glory. We can not only survive but by His redeeming grace we can be set free and thrive. May it be so. If we are shamed based O Lord set us free from: the shame that binds!"