by Jeff Charlebois

Created on: July 03, 2008   Last Updated: July 07, 2008

What in the world would we do without computers? I could see not having a phone. Who likes to make small talk with bill collectors anyway? I could even see not having a television. Believe me, I can make it in this world without Project Runway. But I just can't live without my computer.

I don't know how I got into such a symbiotic relationship with this technological beast, and yet she's become my best friend in the whole, wide world. I haven't forgotten the old days when I used a typewriter, and spent half my time correcting every mistake with Whiteout or correction tape. It would take me an hour to write a paper and three days to fix the misspelled words. I so remember having to look up information in a, uh, book. (Those things with pages between the covers.) How the encyclopedia sales people must despise Google. Those were horrible times, when you actually had to know the alphabet by heart.

My computer knows me better than anyone. It has me by the Internet cable. If it wanted to blackmail me, there'd be nothing I could do. It knows where the bones are buried. My computer even knows that I listen to The Carpenters and Celine Dion. Definitely, not secrets I want out in the open. It knows what I've plugged into my search engine. In my defense, I was just curious about erectile dysfunction. As for the pornography, I needed to make sure that my bank-teller sister wasn't moonlighting again.

Okay, we finally hit the hot-button subject. It's hard to ignore porno sites when you're constantly bombarded by skimpy pictures of chicks in lacy undies, or such subject lines in your mailbox as "busts loose and panties free." This stuff can pop up anywhere. (The porno sites, I mean porno.) For instance, if you put "refinancing my home" into Google, one or two of the searches will say "refinancing girls in thongs." You try, but you can't fight this stuff.

We're also harassed with ads: crap that pops up when you're in the middle of researching something really important, like "untraceable poisons." These adseverything from Viagra to mutual fundsare annoying. I wish that pop-up Scotstrade helicopter would crash.

Obviously, these ads are intended to get you to purchase things. You don't even have to leave your home to shop. That's right ladies, you can do damage right on the computer. No more having to drag a kicking and screaming man to the mall with you. All the clothes you need are right there on the Internet. Just put your guy's credit card number on the shopping site, and 48

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