by Lynne Mcgee

Created on: July 02, 2008

Do you remember what it was like to be a teenager? Your head and your heart were all over the place, you swung from elation to hell in a matter of seconds. The people you had always loved the most in life suddenly became unbearable to be around, and you felt out of control urges to rebel against something but you often weren't sure what? If you weren't a leader then you simply jumped on the bandwagon of whatever rebellion your peers were involved in, and if you were a leader you created something new or wild and led others into rebellion.

At the same time you felt confused, vulnerable, fearful, intimidated, invisible, and completely transparent to the whole world. You loved and hated with a passion and you either cried, or wanted to cry like a baby for reasons you simply couldn't fathom. You needed space from 'the parents' but you needed reassurance from them at the same time. You needed to please but you seemed to deliberately set out to displease just because you could. You wanted your world to be smooth and easy and yet you rocked it at every possible chance. In fact, if you were a truly volatile teen, then you created those chances to make turmoil and then angrily defended your right to do so. You needed the world to know you could fight it, that you didn't need help, assistance, or adults messing with your life and setting your rules. Yes that was you back then. So why do parents have so much trouble remembering themselves as they truly were and then relating it back to their own troubled teenagers when their offspring reaches the years of hormonal hell, and tempers flare on both sides? Does Nature have an evil sense of humor?

Now it's your turn, your teen is getting wilder and you have to find a way to relate and control that allows them to learn 'self control' without feeling that they are, 'being controlled'. Essentially you have to learn how to show empathy while moving them towards greater independence.
The empathy part of this should come easily to most parents if we can step aside from what we are feeling now as our teenager's temper flares, lay our ego's and perhaps deliberate remembering of 'false memories' aside, and relate how we really felt 'back then', to how they are behaving right now. Unfortunately it seems most of us have extremely short and highly selective memories so this part is not as easy for many as it should be. Generations of parents have preferred to gloss over what is essentially their most important tool in helping their own teenager.

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