by Christine G.

Created on: July 02, 2008

Dear Dr. Ursa,

Today is my 65th birthday. After 60 years of looking after other people, bailing out other people, and cleaning up after other people, I am tired. My doctor says that if I don't learn to delegate, I will be dead before I find time for myself.

How do I start convincing others to help? Whenever I ask anyone to do something, they ignore me, say "no problem!" and do nothing, tell me they will do it later and never get around to it, or make such a mess that it is easier to do it myself.

Helpful Hannah

Dear Helpful,

Don't expect anyone to co-operate with your efforts to share the work. People are used to the old Hannah, and have found her services very convenient. They take it for granted that you like things just the way they are.

You need a personality transplant. Begin by taking a vacation (as long as you can possibly afford) by yourself or with a friend with strong care-giver genes. Get used to being pampered. You will be restless at first, feeling that you should be doing something, but that will pass. Be patient with yourself! When friends and family members call for advice, say, "I have confidence in your ability to handle this." You don't have to mean it just say it.

When you come home, make a list of the things that you are prepared to do. These are things that are necessary for your survival, as well as things you enjoy doing. Post the list in a prominent place, and ask everyone to read it. Then do your thing and let them do theirs. Whenever someone suggests that you should be doing a particular thing, say pleasantly, "No problem!" or "It's not on my list." (A lady I know did this when she discovered that she had terminal cancer, and it worked fine. But why wait to get cancer before you start enjoying life?)

Make another list of things that you want to do, and do one of them every day, no matter what. Schedule naps, TV programs, coffee visits, walks, jigsaw puzzles, manicures - anything that will make your life more pleasant. If anyone tries to interrupt you, ignore the person, say that you will do it later, or just say NO. Smile pleasantly while you say no, and repeat as needed until the pest goes away or joins you in your activity.

You can help the process along by suggesting that you are not quite as clever and strong as you used to be. If you wear a dressing gown and slippers until noon, less will be expected of you. Acting helpless often encourages someone to rush in to the rescue. If all else fails, create a crisis. Half an hour before dinner, clutch your stomach or your chest dramatically, and say in a faint voice, "I have to lie down." Once the meal is prepared and on the table, you can experience a remarkable recovery, or you can con someone into bringing you your meal in bed.

After a month or so, everyone will be used to the new you, and you will have to say no less frequently. Just remember if they make a mess, let them clean it up themselves! If you look after yourself as devotedly as you have looked after others, you will reap the reward of many happy days to come. Then, when you choose to do something for someone else, your efforts will be appreciated.

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